The bottom line is: it’s just too risky and too potentially compromising of a social media account for me to use safely (with my real identity) because my ex is a narcissist. Can you relate? Even though I successfully negotiated with a narcissist and got everything I wanted in our new agreement (now court-ordered) by using skillful means, my memory of our 12-year U.S. family court battle (legal abuse), is still fresh in my mind. For me, in my situation, social media still holds too much risk for me to use safely with my real name and information. Why? Any of my data leaked into the narcissist and his lawyer’s hands could spell trouble! If you haven’t figured it out by now, narcissists are highly triggered and never happy with their lot in life. I teach moms how to “fly-under-the-narcissists-radar” and not become a blip (target) on their screen. In my experience, a personality disordered person is personality-disordered, and not worth upsetting in any way, shape or form. NOTE: I found a small exception to this. If my lawyer says he needs evidence and an example of the abuse, non-cooperation, or his true character for a hearing or trial to expose him to the judge, I tread carefully around the narcissist. SurThriver Tip: Make sure the narcissist isn’t doing this to you, right before a hearing or a trial—and getting you to put into writing all your thoughts, feelings, and rage. It has the potential to make us look bad even though it’s just a snapshot and we were probably provoked. Guard your thoughts and feelings. Get support and someone safe to vent to if you need to share your struggles and pain.

Do you have any tools in your “toolbelt” for dealing with a narcissist? A simple tool, like making a conscious list can give you power. While a narcissist looks for the easy out, “wings it,” and/or lies on the fly, we can set ourselves up to stand firm in truth with our lists, documentation, and evidence. When the narcissist tries to side-track us, we go back to item #1, 2, or 3 and re-read what we need to focus on. Something ready, prepared and printed can help us, our lawyers, and our kids get what they need.
KEY: Our lists need to be well-thought-out and carefully prepared with our support team of experts guiding us. This isn’t something we scribble on a Post-it note and lose track of. Instead, this is something we carve out a minimum of 1 hour to create with a coach, mentor, lawyer, narcissist expert, or guide. This is something we revisit and revise a minimum of 2 hours MORE. This is something we practice speaking, saying, articulating, verbalizing, negotiating, and role-playing to sound neutral or demanding (depending on the strategy your lawyer takes/recommends). Our list becomes our script for child safety, well-being, care, health, and needs.
Survivor-Wisdom says, to pre-plan this writing activity and pace ourselves rather than to procrastinate and try to push ourselves to do this last minute.

Are You Still Somewhat Attached to the Narcissist? If you’re a woman who used to love a narcissistic man, you may still be toxically attached via trauma bonds. You may have an unhealthy attachment to your co-parent, which makes you focus on him more than you do yourself and your kids. You might be comparing your life to his, or watching his life and feeling jealous. Be careful not to get caught up in these behaviors, or you risk an unhealthy obsession that can only bring you down and be a source of more pain. We have to grieve our losses fully and accept necessary endings.
Wisdom says: We need to detach from the narcissist to focus on our child/children.
As you know, not all relationships survive years of pain and betrayals. The fact is: Not all relationships are worth saving. Some relationships actually need to end and dissolve, because it's unhealthy for both people to continue. Know that: It’s humanly impossible to get a normal, healthy, stable relationship from a personality-disordered person such as a narcissist. NOTE: Our reaction to their abnormal behavior is not the biggest issue, their concerning behavior is the main issue. Is it time to get “real” with yourself about your past relationship? Did you “codependently collapsed” your life into the narcissist’s life and his problems? Did you lose your life when you entered his? Are you ready to step into self-saving solutions? You hold the key!

Sometimes, when dealing with a narcissistic ex, we mistakenly/unknowingly trigger the beast. Then, their fragile ego roars! We either have to endure narcissistic abuse, post-separation abuse, or legal abuse, or worse—we see our kids take the brunt of the narcissistic rage and his games. These manipulative mammals want to win. The narcissist has many tricks, tactics, and traps that they can set for victims. But, we survivors can use tools, skills, and strategies to stay in the ring for our children. We don’t have to leave the circus completely or leave our precious children behind in the unfairness of it all. We can use wisdom.
If you have children caught in the crossfire of a family court battle, would you stick them in the cage with an angry lion? No. Be smart and calculating. Take some time to self-reflect on your part in the equation of dealing with their narcissistic dad. Use Grace’s survivor wisdom to better the conditions for yourself. Be encouraged to seek support, use skills, heal, and overcome the narcissist.

Let me ask you,
Do you know what to document - when dealing with a narcissist?
Do you know how to document - when dealing with a narcissist?
Forced to Co-Parent with a Narcissist?

Welcome to my work! I teach moms to document strategically so they can keep their sanity. My motivated mom-clients get a documentation strategy in place so they don’t feel like they have to document absolutely everything. If documenting everything feels heavy, you are not alone. It’s more work we have to do—thanks to the narcissist. However, we can simplify so we don’t get too overwhelmed by having too much to do related to the narcissist. We can target the things that matter to the judge. When documenting a narcissist, we run the risk of focusing too much on the narcissist. So, there needs to be some systems and strategy in place. 

KEY: Document the narcissist—strategically.

What I have seen in my private life coaching practice is: moms without guidance fall to fear. Also, the moms who underestimate the narcissist often get ambushed. Even though the narcissist shows little-to-no interest year after year in the child/children doesn’t mean he wouldn’t file for sole custody all of a sudden, or at the exact moment when you go into the hospital for surgery and he finds out. (This happened to me.) 

KEY: Don’t underestimate the narcissist. Be prepared for anything with good documentation.

The Narcissist Hurts Us, Now We Have to Heal Ourselves 

Key to Healing: Make healing your mission.

If you are reading this, there is hope for you. You have taken the first step in your healing journey. (Understanding something complex and grabbing onto solutions.) You are taking full responsibility for your healing process. I do believe that this type of healing is a process—and that it requires your patience, dedication, and self-discipline. This may also take interventions to reach certain levels of your being, and a strategic approach. When I attempted to heal from narcissistic abuse at just the mind (cognitive) level, it wasn’t enough. My healing had to penetrate the depths of me and the abuse. I couldn’t put a bandaid on a gaping cut that needed stitches, gauze, real first aid, and a doctor. How far has narcissistic abuse penetrated your life? As I always say, “Self-work is the most important work we will ever do!” Healing is part choice. So, make the choice to heal from the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse. You invest in your future when you decide to heal and take steps. Your future needs your best self in it, not the narcissist. The truth is, your “best self” is completely narcissist-free.

Key to Healing: The narcissist hurts us, but we must take full responsibility for our healing.

What is Grey-Walling?

My Grey-Walling method developed after years of trial and error dealing with a narcissist. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought maybe I wasn’t boring enough or bland enough. I read several books on boundaries when I ended the relationship with my alcoholic-narcissistic ex. The Grey Walling method might also be called the “Castle & Curtain Method” someday. Grey-walling is creating a concrete structure, much like a castle. Then, to this encircling outer protective wall, add a heavy quilted grey curtain on the outside (for those super-balls, which I will explain later). You want boundaries that are cemented and solid with this creature. No cracks in your walls! If you’ve got them… fill them in. You want boundaries all around what you do and say. You want guards at the gates. You want walls high enough that the narcissist can’t look in on your life because you are not supplying details, data, intel, or info. You don’t open the window or lift the curtains for this visitor. He doesn’t get a pass. You want a certain thickness of skin so that his “arrows of anger and rage” can’t penetrate you. You want to have a whole functioning world inside of your walls that is full of healthy, supportive, cooperative people so you can raise your child with peace of mind and completely out of enemy territory. You create this castle—this fortress of personal boundaries—for yourself and your child. You install the gates and control how information will be allowed in and out. You are the queen of this realm and you call the shots. Your cold grey walls of personal boundaries protect you. They even protect your child/children during your parenting time. This becomes a safe place for you to raise your child and teach him/her the ropes of survival. After all, you are a survivor.

Our Focus Matters as Moms Dealing with a Narcissist
We need to focus more on the solutions than all the problems that the narcissist causes and the drama they create, which is designed to throw everyone off emotionally. This is why we need to draft an ordered, numbered, clear list of what we want/need in this co-parenting situation (For example, a court-ordered and approved co-parenting app, set days of a parenting schedule, a solid, rotating holiday schedule, reimbursement of the child’s expenses done within 30 days or an interest penalty applied and more). When we are bogged down with problems, we can’t find solutions.

We need to sit down and think about what our children need now and in the future. Then, we search for the words of something to ask for—that gives it a voice and structure. For each and every problem that we encounter, we can use wisdom and create a coinciding solution that we then ask for at mediation, negotiations, conciliation, hearings, a judge, or in a summary for judgment after a trial. By making this list in advance, we keep professionals focused and on track. Listing things can help us remain child-focused, and this helps others view us as the healthier parent, and we don’t get lumped in as a high-conflict party. When we lead with what we want rather than our emotional rantings and list of complaints that we have about what the narcissist is doing or not doing—we stand a chance at getting solutions implemented.

Narcissists Make Terrible Co-Parents!

Narcissists are manipulative and highly skilled at deception. Very often, when narcissists are backed into a corner of truth or feel threatened, they can be downright nasty. They have many tricks, tactics, and traps to victimize and re-victimize moms with narcissistic abuse, even after separation. Because of this unfortunate dynamic, we, as moms, must acquire the understanding, skills, and strategies to deal with these individuals as seamlessly as possible. Plus, we need to stay sane—-for the sake of ourselves, our children, and our custody case. However, remaining level-headed while dealing with the narcissist’s insanity is no easy feat. 

To cope with the situation rationally, we need a plan in place. To help other moms endure this experience and preserve the hope to overcome it, I offer tips, tools, and strategies in my books and blogs. I write specifically for mothers who are struggling to co-parent with a narcissist and suffering what I call “Co-Parenting Abuse”—which is really a continuation of narcissistic abuse, known as post-separation abuse. The bottom line is that narcissists can abuse us while we try to co-parent with them. In fact, the narcissist will use their continued access to us as an opportunity to exert their abusive tactics whenever possible.

Are you in a high-conflict battle with a narcissist? Is your ex unwilling to settle, mediate, or negotiate? Typical! Then, you know the frustration of how a custody case can drag on. At some point, you or your lawyer might think getting another professional on the case is a good idea. Or perhaps a judge might order a GAL (guardian ad litem) to investigate the child’s life (and both households) more in-depth and write a report to the courts. However, think again! The truth is that there are various experiences ranging from not helpful to good to horrible for the protective parent. 
What is a GAL? 

A guardian ad litem (GAL) is a professional appointed by a court (or requested and selected by attorneys) to look after and protect the interests of a minor child who cannot care for themselves and/or is legally incompetent due to their age. Their job is to investigate a child’s life and report findings. This means they interview parents, caregivers, and others in the child's life. Often, they’ll interview the child as well. They may request medical records and other information. In their report and testimony in a trial, they usually make recommendations to the court. The investigation, report, and recommendations are supposed to be based on “the best interests of the child.” Sounds good, right? Maybe, maybe not! Please keep reading.

As worried and stressed-out moms, we often run (or rush) to a lawyer and dump all of our concerns, anxieties, complaints, pain, and problems. Most likely we’ve never been in a legal battle since it’s not our nature to fight for fairness or complain to such a degree. We might feel intimidated talking to a lawyer. We might feel ashamed since we are peace-seeking and peace-making, type of people. Typically, us empaths, have accepted unacceptable behavior and are filled with the anger of dealing with injustice and constant unfairness. Our first battle, breaking up with the narcissist, wore us out mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now we have a second legal battle that looms over our heads and haunts us. Can you relate?
We have had to break up with our own codependency, love addiction, and trauma bonds to our ex to recover ourselves and self-esteem. Then, we had to grieve our dreams of a happy family and face the pain of the lies, disappointments, and letdowns. Generally, we are not in good emotional shape when we get to the lawyer. We are heartbroken, scared to lose our children, and narcissistically abused with threats—and other tactics. Now that we left our abuser, he most likely is doing co-parenting abuse tactics that further hurt and destabilize us. How are we supposed to show up strong and confident at a lawyer’s office? What do we even ask the lawyer? We don’t know the law.

Custody Battles With A Narcissist

As women and moms, we can’t allow ourselves to be (or become) desperate for two major things: 1. Love 2. Lawyers. Being needy, confused, overwhelmed, and full of grief and pain can cause us to reach for anyone who will lend a listening ear and help. Narcissists love to prey on desperate people. As women who were desperate for love and attention, we may have inadvertently attracted a narcissist. The same is true for hiring a lawyer. We have to watch out for making desperate emotional decisions when it comes to hiring a lawyer and going to family court. I am here to share my survivor wisdom with you. (*Disclaimer below)

It's NOT wise to approach our custody cases from a state of desperation. We need to plan.

As a protective mom, I suffered for eleven years in the U.S. Family Court System. In one battle, I lost my rights to my ex – an angry, bitter, wealthy narcissist who used the most expensive bulldog attorney to attack me as a way of defending himself. It was a 5-day trial that spanned two years and took three and a half years to get to. The saga was full of motions, pre-trial hearings and multiple requests for continuances. The truth is, I found the family court to be like a game of chess. He moves, you move. You move, he moves. It comes down to strategy and thinking long-term. Sometimes you lose a pawn but you protect the queen. Sometimes you lose a knight (inadequate attorney) but save the child. In order to be effective at this high-stakes game of family chess, I had to have adequate representation –someone seasoned who knew this legal game well.

We have to think both short-term and long-term.

3 TIPS to Survive The Holidays with a Narcissist

Be 1 Step Ahead of the Narcissist *

This Holiday Season

THE . . .
NOT-SO-FUN-FACT:

Narcissists love to ruin holidays.

Hi! I’m Grace Wroldson, author of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane & strategy coach for moms co-parenting with a narcissist and/or in custody battles.

I am here to help support you - as you keep yourself safe, your children happy, and *very important* your sanity - when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent.

Just Imagine. . .

How would it feel to have friendly, business-like, neutral-toned messages from your ex?

How much easier would co-parenting be?

How would it feel to not be in a constant state of turmoil and not feel like you have an enemy or your own personal terrorist?

How would it feel to be free of all the criticisms, complaints, attacks, false accusations, and negativity?

If you want this feeling of freedom from your ex, keep reading/listening.

If you are in a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissist, you will need to not only be “evenly matched” in the courtroom, but also well represented and well prepared. Our custody case is often only as good as our attorney is. Not being adequately represented cost me my legal rights to the child that I was trying to protect. My former attorney, while affordable, was ill-prepared, not a family law attorney, unequipped, easily tricked (because he bargained with goodwill and sincerity), and not experienced enough to handle what happened. If you read my books, you will read that I had to stage a comeback after my brutal trial and loss. If you can avoid losing, do so

Co-parenting with a narcissist is a stressful experience. It can feel like trying to work with a terrorist. Narcissists aren’t generally team players, and the nature of selfishness often causes those of us who deal with them to get the short end of the stick. If the narcissist is abusive (often the case), and if the narcissist has deemed you the TOB (target of blame), then you might be having to deal with tactics like opposite parenting and counter-parenting. An angry narcissist creates a lot of drama, chaos, and confusion — the realm where the narcissist destabilizes the target to win.