What is Grey-Walling?

My Grey-Walling method developed after years of trial and error dealing with a narcissist. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought maybe I wasn’t boring enough or bland enough. I read several books on boundaries when I ended the relationship with my alcoholic-narcissistic ex. The Grey Walling method might also be called the “Castle & Curtain Method” someday. Grey-walling is creating a concrete structure, much like a castle. Then, to this encircling outer protective wall, add a heavy quilted grey curtain on the outside (for those super-balls, which I will explain later). You want boundaries that are cemented and solid with this creature. No cracks in your walls! If you’ve got them… fill them in. You want boundaries all around what you do and say. You want guards at the gates. You want walls high enough that the narcissist can’t look in on your life because you are not supplying details, data, intel, or info. You don’t open the window or lift the curtains for this visitor. He doesn’t get a pass. You want a certain thickness of skin so that his “arrows of anger and rage” can’t penetrate you. You want to have a whole functioning world inside of your walls that is full of healthy, supportive, cooperative people so you can raise your child with peace of mind and completely out of enemy territory. You create this castle—this fortress of personal boundaries—for yourself and your child. You install the gates and control how information will be allowed in and out. You are the queen of this realm and you call the shots. Your cold grey walls of personal boundaries protect you. They even protect your child/children during your parenting time. This becomes a safe place for you to raise your child and teach him/her the ropes of survival. After all, you are a survivor.

Our Focus Matters as Moms Dealing with a Narcissist
We need to focus more on the solutions than all the problems that the narcissist causes and the drama they create, which is designed to throw everyone off emotionally. This is why we need to draft an ordered, numbered, clear list of what we want/need in this co-parenting situation (For example, a court-ordered and approved co-parenting app, set days of a parenting schedule, a solid, rotating holiday schedule, reimbursement of the child’s expenses done within 30 days or an interest penalty applied and more). When we are bogged down with problems, we can’t find solutions.

We need to sit down and think about what our children need now and in the future. Then, we search for the words of something to ask for—that gives it a voice and structure. For each and every problem that we encounter, we can use wisdom and create a coinciding solution that we then ask for at mediation, negotiations, conciliation, hearings, a judge, or in a summary for judgment after a trial. By making this list in advance, we keep professionals focused and on track. Listing things can help us remain child-focused, and this helps others view us as the healthier parent, and we don’t get lumped in as a high-conflict party. When we lead with what we want rather than our emotional rantings and list of complaints that we have about what the narcissist is doing or not doing—we stand a chance at getting solutions implemented.

Narcissists Make Terrible Co-Parents!

Narcissists are manipulative and highly skilled at deception. Very often, when narcissists are backed into a corner of truth or feel threatened, they can be downright nasty. They have many tricks, tactics, and traps to victimize and re-victimize moms with narcissistic abuse, even after separation. Because of this unfortunate dynamic, we, as moms, must acquire the understanding, skills, and strategies to deal with these individuals as seamlessly as possible. Plus, we need to stay sane—-for the sake of ourselves, our children, and our custody case. However, remaining level-headed while dealing with the narcissist’s insanity is no easy feat. 

To cope with the situation rationally, we need a plan in place. To help other moms endure this experience and preserve the hope to overcome it, I offer tips, tools, and strategies in my books and blogs. I write specifically for mothers who are struggling to co-parent with a narcissist and suffering what I call “Co-Parenting Abuse”—which is really a continuation of narcissistic abuse, known as post-separation abuse. The bottom line is that narcissists can abuse us while we try to co-parent with them. In fact, the narcissist will use their continued access to us as an opportunity to exert their abusive tactics whenever possible.

Are you in a high-conflict battle with a narcissist? Is your ex unwilling to settle, mediate, or negotiate? Typical! Then, you know the frustration of how a custody case can drag on. At some point, you or your lawyer might think getting another professional on the case is a good idea. Or perhaps a judge might order a GAL (guardian ad litem) to investigate the child’s life (and both households) more in-depth and write a report to the courts. However, think again! The truth is that there are various experiences ranging from not helpful to good to horrible for the protective parent. 
What is a GAL? 

A guardian ad litem (GAL) is a professional appointed by a court (or requested and selected by attorneys) to look after and protect the interests of a minor child who cannot care for themselves and/or is legally incompetent due to their age. Their job is to investigate a child’s life and report findings. This means they interview parents, caregivers, and others in the child's life. Often, they’ll interview the child as well. They may request medical records and other information. In their report and testimony in a trial, they usually make recommendations to the court. The investigation, report, and recommendations are supposed to be based on “the best interests of the child.” Sounds good, right? Maybe, maybe not! Please keep reading.

As worried and stressed-out moms, we often run (or rush) to a lawyer and dump all of our concerns, anxieties, complaints, pain, and problems. Most likely we’ve never been in a legal battle since it’s not our nature to fight for fairness or complain to such a degree. We might feel intimidated talking to a lawyer. We might feel ashamed since we are peace-seeking and peace-making, type of people. Typically, us empaths, have accepted unacceptable behavior and are filled with the anger of dealing with injustice and constant unfairness. Our first battle, breaking up with the narcissist, wore us out mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now we have a second legal battle that looms over our heads and haunts us. Can you relate?
We have had to break up with our own codependency, love addiction, and trauma bonds to our ex to recover ourselves and self-esteem. Then, we had to grieve our dreams of a happy family and face the pain of the lies, disappointments, and letdowns. Generally, we are not in good emotional shape when we get to the lawyer. We are heartbroken, scared to lose our children, and narcissistically abused with threats—and other tactics. Now that we left our abuser, he most likely is doing co-parenting abuse tactics that further hurt and destabilize us. How are we supposed to show up strong and confident at a lawyer’s office? What do we even ask the lawyer? We don’t know the law.

Custody Battles With A Narcissist

As women and moms, we can’t allow ourselves to be (or become) desperate for two major things: 1. Love 2. Lawyers. Being needy, confused, overwhelmed, and full of grief and pain can cause us to reach for anyone who will lend a listening ear and help. Narcissists love to prey on desperate people. As women who were desperate for love and attention, we may have inadvertently attracted a narcissist. The same is true for hiring a lawyer. We have to watch out for making desperate emotional decisions when it comes to hiring a lawyer and going to family court. I am here to share my survivor wisdom with you. (*Disclaimer below)

It's NOT wise to approach our custody cases from a state of desperation. We need to plan.

As a protective mom, I suffered for eleven years in the U.S. Family Court System. In one battle, I lost my rights to my ex – an angry, bitter, wealthy narcissist who used the most expensive bulldog attorney to attack me as a way of defending himself. It was a 5-day trial that spanned two years and took three and a half years to get to. The saga was full of motions, pre-trial hearings and multiple requests for continuances. The truth is, I found the family court to be like a game of chess. He moves, you move. You move, he moves. It comes down to strategy and thinking long-term. Sometimes you lose a pawn but you protect the queen. Sometimes you lose a knight (inadequate attorney) but save the child. In order to be effective at this high-stakes game of family chess, I had to have adequate representation –someone seasoned who knew this legal game well.

We have to think both short-term and long-term.

3 TIPS to Survive The Holidays with a Narcissist

Be 1 Step Ahead of the Narcissist *

This Holiday Season

THE . . .
NOT-SO-FUN-FACT:

Narcissists love to ruin holidays.

Hi! I’m Grace Wroldson, author of Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane & strategy coach for moms co-parenting with a narcissist and/or in custody battles.

I am here to help support you - as you keep yourself safe, your children happy, and *very important* your sanity - when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent.

Just Imagine. . .

How would it feel to have friendly, business-like, neutral-toned messages from your ex?

How much easier would co-parenting be?

How would it feel to not be in a constant state of turmoil and not feel like you have an enemy or your own personal terrorist?

How would it feel to be free of all the criticisms, complaints, attacks, false accusations, and negativity?

If you want this feeling of freedom from your ex, keep reading/listening.

If you are in a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissist, you will need to not only be “evenly matched” in the courtroom, but also well represented and well prepared. Our custody case is often only as good as our attorney is. Not being adequately represented cost me my legal rights to the child that I was trying to protect. My former attorney, while affordable, was ill-prepared, not a family law attorney, unequipped, easily tricked (because he bargained with goodwill and sincerity), and not experienced enough to handle what happened. If you read my books, you will read that I had to stage a comeback after my brutal trial and loss. If you can avoid losing, do so

Co-parenting with a narcissist is a stressful experience. It can feel like trying to work with a terrorist. Narcissists aren’t generally team players, and the nature of selfishness often causes those of us who deal with them to get the short end of the stick. If the narcissist is abusive (often the case), and if the narcissist has deemed you the TOB (target of blame), then you might be having to deal with tactics like opposite parenting and counter-parenting. An angry narcissist creates a lot of drama, chaos, and confusion — the realm where the narcissist destabilizes the target to win.