Co-Parenting Abuse:
Tactics of the Narcissist
By author Grace W. Wroldson
*** Books available on Amazon ***
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
How-To Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win: Super-Smart Strategies for Success
Co-Parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Narcissistic Co-Parenting Abuse
If you are unfortunate to be deemed “the enemy” or the target of blame by a narcissistic co-parent, you may experience many of these tactics which are what I call, “Co-Parenting Abuse.” Narcissists tend to use a range of covert and overt tactics to manipulate you and others. This is post-separation abuse and is often called domestic violence abuse by proxy. If someone does something by proxy, they arrange for someone else to do things for them.
*Before you begin, please read my “Disclaimer” below. I also want to issue a “Trigger Warning.” As you read this list, it might bring up some PTSD. I had to write this list down in small doses after I had overcome the abuse. Be mindful that you may need to take a break from reading and practice self-care. I believe that the truth can set us free, so identifying the truth helped to set my mind free of the confusion I had before I caught on to what was being done to me.
Use This List to Label and Take Control of Your Situation
You can use this list when you are triggered and need to understand what’s happening. I believe we get triggered for a reason. You can look through this list and circle what applies. It’s important for you to identify the tactics being used and learn to counter them or learn to ignore them. The key to not being triggered by these tactics is to decide ahead of time how you will handle these things emotionally and strategically. Preparation is key. Labeling the abuse tactic being used on us helps it lose its power over us. We empower ourselves when we know what’s happening. This list is strictly for your information only and not to be shared with the narcissist/abuser. It’s for your understanding ONLY.
KEY: Decide Ahead of Time to Not Be Triggered
For your sanity, tap into the power to remain at peace. If you let them upset you, you have given away your power. This in turn grants them control over you. When you aren’t protecting your need for peace, you are like a puppet — reacting to every string they pull. So, decide ahead of time that you are going to stay in peace, and you will tap into the power to remain calm. Stop telling yourself that you can’t help it. Have a made-up mind that you are not going to let the narcissist ruin your day/week/month/year/life. You are in control. . . when you take control. Narcissists can’t make you feel frustrated. It becomes a choice when you make this decision to stay in peace ahead of time. Letting these tactics upset you gives away your power. Have a new resolve to handle the inevitable problems calmly and choose to stay in peace. This will disconnect your triggers and buttons.
(READ Blog: Co-Parenting Abuse When Dealing with a Narcissist)
How To Stop Losing Your Power
The bottom line is: Narcissists win by destabilizing the target. Know the tactic being used against you and you can effectively create a technique to counter it or minimize the damage. One way they effectively destabilize a target is by causing you to question all you do. Recognize that if you do not recall a situation that your abuser is bringing up, chances are that it was made up by the abuser. Know the tactic, and the tactic loses its power to throw you off balance. Knowledge is power! Be armed with this knowledge.
List of Narcissistic/Sociopathic Tactics
Here is a list of co-parenting abuse tactics that may be used against you. All of these dirty tricks have been done to me, so I can tell you that each one triggered me and left a memorable scar. If you need help naming, labeling, and identifying the tactic—set up a strategy session with me.
Co-Parenting Abuse Tactics
| Gaslighting
Manipulation Lying Lying by omission Telling half-truths Misleading statements Bringing up triggering topics Deception Word salad Altering the past Narrating false stories Circular conversations Deflection Never-ending Arguments Tricking you into chaos Falsifying details Making misleading statements Isolating you Targeting you Financial abuse Withholding money Hiding money Ruining your credit Stealing Legal abuse Using the court against you Filing repeated motions Engaging in corruption Finger-pointing Blame-shifting Minimizing you Intruding on your privacy Diverting blame or guilt Deflecting from their guilt Making inappropriate restrictions Rationalizing Justifying themselves/actions Black and white thinking All or nothing thinking Being passive-aggressive Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Physical abuse Sexual abuse Verbal abuse Deliberately triggering you Doing the opposite you requested Opposite parenting you Counter parenting you Nit-picking your parenting Bragging in front of you Invading your personal space Isolating you from support systems: friends and family Obnoxiously disagreeing Starting rumors False promises Faking agreement Faking cooperation Taking emotional hostages Other criminal behavior |
Using flying monkeys
Making minions Creating negative advocates Setting you up for failure Making false allegations False accusations Phishing for info Baiting you Catching you off guard Making derogatory comments Defamation of character Brainwashing children against you Alienating your child from you Spreading rumors Starting rumors Derogatory remarks Stonewalling Silent treatment Hooking you into arguing Poisoning-the-well tactic Convincing others to be against you Mother-blaming Insinuating blame Guilt-tripping you Vilifying you Feigning confusion Feigning innocence Playing the victim Evading responsibility Amplifying their roll Hurt and rescue Hoovering Love-bombing Crazy-making Violating court orders Breaking agreements Breaking the law Saying one thing/doing another Being hypocritical Mistreating of things/possessions Hacking your computer Breaking and entering Destroying property Damaging your vehicle Accusing you of fraud Accusing you of crimes Making jokes at your expense Lashing out Ignoring personal boundaries Pointing out your flaws in public settings Devaluing your efforts Unwarranted cruelty Making fun of your life Belittling you Digging for dirt on you Spying on you Undermining you Pity plays Parading new partners |
Criticizing you
Manufacturing false evidence Bombard you with messages, calls, texts, attacks, or claims Discouraging comments Complaining about you Dismissing your importance Amplifying their roll Attacking your character Discrediting you Threatening court Threatening law enforcement Threatening to take the children Threatening harm Negative comments Making subtle slights False promises Throwing out insults Name-calling Shaming Condemning Domestic violence Bullying Intimidating you Angry outbursts Sabotage Creating chaos Triangulation Setting up traps Tricking you Stalking Gangstalking Harassment Dismissing you Diminishing your roll Moving the goal post Emotional blackmail Shaming you Invalidating you Brainwashing kids Scapegoating Alienating you from kids Holding children hostage Charging you with offenses that you didn’t commit Putting the children in harm’s way Abusing the children Hurting the children Neglecting the children Exaggerating Falsifying documents Telling the kids to say something triggering to you Accusing you of mental instability Incessant questioning Plotting against you Ruining your reputation Coercive Control Weaponizing the child Holding the kids hostage Kidnapping the kids Scare tactics Divide and conquer |
Get the Help You Need
See several abusive things happening in your custody situation? If you are suffering from this type of co-parenting abuse, you will need help. Please reach out to crisis support/domestic violence agencies and professionals to gather the team you need to overcome this. Getting help is a sign of strength and a smart thing to do. If you can’t be tricked, bullied, and isolated, you stand a solid chance of surviving this abuse. Learn to stay stable, sane, supported, smart, and serene—it’s the equivalent of being cool, calm, and collected.
Employ Survival Strategies
To not be viewed as the enemy by the narcissist is a key survival strategy. Typically, an angry narcissist needs a target of blame. So, you can learn to be skillful and divert the blame away from you and your child. To learn more, pick up my books with valuable lessons. Read, as I outline my mindset shifts to gain insight and validation. Utilize my survivor wisdom and gain tips, tools, and strategies to zig-zag away from the hooks and traps. Your goal can be to minimize the damage, stop the harm, and create fewer reasons for you to be narcissistically abused as a co-parent. You also can be creating boundaries, buffers, firewalls, and layers of protection for you and your child while you read my story and gain insight. While there are times, occasions, and circumstances to report, file claims, make motions to the courts, there are also times/ways to create peace and stability. Learn ways to create peaceful co-parenting with a narcissist even if you have to parallel parent instead.
—Grace W. Wroldson, mother, author, survivor, and thriver of 5 self-help books available on Amazon
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Read my books:
- Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane (A Survivor’s Story)
- How-To Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win: Super-Smart Strategies for Success
- Co-Parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
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*Disclaimer: This is meant for self-study only and is based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if identifying these tactics could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary where some of these will not be applicable for your circumstance. Naming these to the abuser (confrontation) is not advised. Furthermore, court orders may dictate that you do not diagnose, label, or make claims about the other parent, and doing so often can hurt your case. This is for your information only. Please use your own good judgment when reviewing this document. This list was created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any domestic violence terminology, laws, or rules of the courts. This is copyright protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.
Co-Parenting with a Narcissist Book by Grace Wroldson
