A NOT-SO-FUN-FACT: Narcissists love to ruin holidays.

Do: Avoid the holiday headaches with a narcissist!

Hi! I’m Grace Wroldson, author, certified coach, and strategy partner for moms co-parenting with a narcissist and/or in a custody battle with a narcissistic ex. I am here to help support and encourage you to strategize – as you keep yourself safe, your children happy, and *very important* your sanity – when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent.

*Please read my disclaimer below. This is not legal advice or direct advice. Each case is different and we all need someone who can properly advise us (like a family law lawyer who knows all our case details.) Take what’s helpful and leave the rest for maybe another time. 

We Can Step into Our Freedom to Enjoy The Holidays with Our Kids

With support, like me, you can: 1. outgrow the narcissist, 2. become immune to the narcissist’s attacks, and 3. move on with your life—to thrive. (Better yet, and so can our precious children.) Believe in yourself as a mom. Remember to learn the valuable lessons in all the pain and problems of dealing with a narcissist and come out of this smarter and stronger than before! Use wisdom. Lead with love. 

TIP: Read my books of tips, tools, and strategies in the order written for a full understanding of the phases that a brave mom might go through on the road to securing peace and protection. My story may shed a light of hope on your own.

Book 1:  Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane

Book 2:  How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win

Book 3:  Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide

Book 4:  How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

Book 5: (NEW)Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means

(BOOKS AVAILABLE AT AMAZON)

How I became an expert in narcissists?

I have written my story of co-parenting with a narcissist (and the coinciding custody battle with a narcissist) in over 5 books to help you navigate a narcissist. (available at Amazon) My books are “self-help style” and I share my tips, tools, and strategies that helped led us to more peaceful holidays and to way more fairness for me and my child. I want you to experience the joy, peace, structure, and consistency my child and I enjoy without her narcissistic father’s drama ruining things. Our past? = The holidays used to suck!

I spent 15 years in a relationship with the narcissist allowing him to ruin the beauty of the holidays with his complaints, drama, and negative attitude. I usually cried tears of grief, loneliness, and disappointment because I let my holidays depend on the narcissist. My mistake! (Not anymore though!)

Then, unfortunately, when I wasn’t together with him and we were broken up, I allowed him to ruin holidays for me when he used our child as a weapon/pawn/game piece. It was such a stressful and sad 10 years. However, we now have peace and civility because I implemented skillful means and strategies. (Learn about this in all my books and How-To Communicate With A Narcissist Using Skillful Means)

Today, I no longer allow this to happen because I implemented boundaries with MYSELF (first and foremost) and then added some serious psychological distance from him by breaking trauma bonds to the narcissist. (Read about the need for self-boundaries or what I call, “Self-Rules” in my first book or listen to this on Audible.)

2 Things to Do for Yourself (Your Children Benefit)!

Click the names for my helpful guides.

1. Heal from Narcissistic Abuse
2. Break Trauma Bonds
   

Before I discovered his narcissistic traits/behavior/personality disorder, I used to hope that we could share our child and the season so that it would be a wonderful experience for us all – after all, we were first-time parents and we had a bundle of joy to be grateful for. What I didn’t realize was…. that wasn’t what he wanted at the time! He actually wanted to ruin it for us all because he was so miserable. Me ending the relationship threatened his fragile ego and fractured his false self-esteem. So, if he couldn’t get positive attention (narcissistic supply) he was the type of person to get negative attention to feel significant enough to affect us. (For the narcissist, was all about power and control back then.)

DO: Please learn from my mistakes (free video here) and your own mistakes. THINK: What are you currently learning? Remember: Mistakes are for learning!

Can You Get a “Miracle” this Holiday Season When Dealing with a Narcissist?

Today, the narcissist doesn’t play any games with us and he’s cordial, civil, and helpful. Imagine that! Would you love to ask for something from the narcissist and get it? I didn’t believe peace or cooperation was possible with a narcissist but we got what he called a “miracle” for our case. (One definition of a miracle is a shift in perception.) I went from his “enemy to destroy” to his co-parent (all in his mind) and it instantly put me on the same team as him. Learn all you can on how we made this shift because it took about a full year from when I made the decision to implement skillful means, required skill, and went in specific phases (much like The Hero’s Journey), Read this progression in all 5 of my books, all 20+ of my blogs (with guides), and all my YouTube videos and Navigate the Narcissist Co-Parenting Video Course. I purposely set the stage for this “shift” to happen. Looking back, I see how I co-created the peace we enjoy today. Have hope! Can you start being the change you want to see?

3 Tips for BETTER Holidays

When Required to “Co-Parent”

With a Narcissistic Ex:

(See if these apply and can help you out of a narcissist’s trap this holiday season. Read my disclaimer below.)

1. Stick to and enforce the court order. (Or obtain a court order that has a fair, alternating, holiday schedule.)

How did I get a regular schedule to count on and the narcissist’s consistent compliance? Well, I didn’t deviate from our court order myself – (for about 5 years to set a standard). That means, out of the goodness of my heart, I didn’t make “deals” with him that would leave me resentful. As I explain to my mom-clients, there is always some unfairness when dealing with an unfair personality-disordered person like a narcissist! On one occasion, I had my lawyer call his lawyer if he was proposing changes that were non-compliant. If the narcissist unilaterally went against the order we (me and my lawyer) put him on notice that possible legal action may ensue if there were grounds for contempt. This sent a strong message to the narcissist that I wasn’t to be pushed around with games and manipulated. It also cost him (the narcissist) money to have to use his lawyer. I am sure he didn’t like getting concerning/warning calls from his own lawyer. This, in a way, sometimes deterred more problems and made him stick more to the schedule. Amazingly, after I showed strength using my lawyer’s advocacy, our court order was then adhered to – every year to the “T” – by the narcissist. With a firm and followed court-order, I didn’t have to scramble, stress, or fret if he would mess with us and if I wouldn’t get my child at noon when my family arrived. Presenting a strong front made a world of difference in my case. We kept it business-like, professional, and not personal which helped take the drama out of the schedule, too. I purposely took the emotions out of things because getting emotional was how I lost my power. The legal avenue worked (for some time) this way because the narcissist wasn’t obeying me, he was obeying the courts/judge and looking out for his “#1” (himself) by complying and sticking to the schedule. It created structure, some semblance of security, and the predictability that our child needed – especially around the holidays.

NOTE: After I set the standard with my “stick-to-the-order-response,” (which was a phase), I then learned to use skillful means which was a better long-term, more cooperative strategy. (Knowledge is power so learn about this in my books and/or guide 25 Key Phrases That Can Neutralize The Narcissist: When Co-Parenting or in a High-Conflict Custody Battle )

2. Don’t ask for special exceptions from the narcissist for the holidays.

Before implementing skillful means, letting me down, was an area that the narcissist enjoyed. (Having the power to mess with me.) The narcissist loved having last-minute-power to say “No” and change his mind (even his written/texted agreement) to ruin my plans. So, I got smart. I stopped asking and started planning important things on ONLY my time. This was a boundary that I set with myself – for myself. Yes, this meant going to a few Christmas parties without my child for some years, but I used the slogan, “How Important Is It?” from the Al-Anon Program to adjust my mindset to still enjoy the holidays. I brought a picture of our child and bragged about her accomplishments. I got creative and proactive. I pre-made lunch dates with family and friends so that they could still see her during the holiday parties she’d miss. I didn’t let me or our child be a helpless or hopeless victim of his games or hate.

SURVIVOR-TIP: Love your child more than you hate the narcissist!

NOTE: I no longer have to deal with any of this holiday struggle. By using skillful means, I now can get our child anytime I ask in advance with a “heads up.” How did I get cooperation and kindness from a narcissist? Well, it was a lot of work! I got coaching and support from many experts/advisors to create an effective blend of strategies that work on narcissists. I had to establish guidelines with myself and learn non-violent communication. Then, I had to set the stage for cooperative behavior and stop being the narcissist’s target of blame. You can read my story of transformation in all 5 of my books for moms or pick up this instant guide below to get an idea of what I did to turn this all around, “5 Factors That Made The Narcissist STOP Co-Parenting Abuse!”

3. Lower/Release/Manage/Surrender your expectations. Have a pre-made mindset to enjoy the small things. Become fairly flexible! (Because rigidity makes things snap.)

You can’t expect perfect holidays, especially in a situation such as co-parenting with a narcissist. Aim for simple, enjoyable, memorable moments, and be willing to make new traditions. (Or just be okay with having an “off year” where you do something random – as this is memorable too and helps us to truly appreciate long-held, family traditions) Get creative on how to mark the holiday as one free from the narcissist’s tyranny. (This is an accomplishment in itself if you are not forced to put up with a personality-disordered narcissist in the middle of your living room or home.) DO: Savor your time with your child or children. If you can’t see them, then make your Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, holiday, or New Year’s plans on the next day or your weekend day. (Be flexible. Be okay with celebrating on a different day or time.) TIP: If you are flexible, you won’t end up frustrated and upset. Some say, that an expectation is a premeditated resentment. So, don’t make more things to resent the narcissist for. Then, your children will love and enjoy a relaxed mom who celebrates the holidays and traditions NO MATTER WHAT. Show them your resilience! Lead by setting a good example of a good attitude and happy holiday spirit. You can have a positive influence on your children, despite the narcissist’s sour spirit.

SurThriver Tip: If you make up your mind (ahead of time) to only focus on the good/positive things and gifts/blessings of the holidays, you are 1 step ahead of the narcissist!

BONUS: #4. Practice good self-care.

May you learn, heal, and outgrow the narcissist – one holiday at a time, and one day at a time.

Remember: You and your children can come out of this stronger than before!

Remember: Knowledge is power. Work with wisdom.

— Grace W. Wroldson, Author, Coach & Strategy Partner for Moms

P.S. Read my 25 other tips here for moms.

*Need more help and practical wisdom? Pick up my books on Amazon.

Wondering How To Get the Right Lawyer When Dealing With A Narcissist? Dear Brave Mom, Go in prepared! Use my 20-Question Worksheet in this guide to interview potential attorneys, get your burning questions answered, and maximize your legal consultations. Go into these interviews with a short, specific list and know what to ask. Certain things matter in your child support and custody case. The reality is that quite often, our custody case is ONLY as good as our attorney! Be smart about this. We encourage you to be prepared. Use my…Get The Right Lawyer Guide! (For Dealing a Narcissist)

Get all of my 11 videos plus my Get the Right Lawyer Guide with my 20-Question Worksheet for interviewing potential attorneys and learn your next steps, rights, and recourse in free or paid legal consultations. Buy now and begin learning!

You get all 11 videos + PLUS a bonus!

I give out as many helpful FREE tips as I can to keep you encouraged.

Thank you for joining me on this journey to truth, sanity, and peace!

—Grace W. Wroldson, mother, survivor, thriver, certified life coach, and author of several self-help, tool books available on Amazon

Website: GraceWroldson.com

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Books available on Amazon & Audible!  

1. Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane (A Survivor’s Story)
2. How-To Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win: Super-Smart Strategies for Success
3. Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
4. How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
5. Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means

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*Disclaimer: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary where some of these will not be applicable to your circumstance. Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when reviewing this document. This is for personal Self-Help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any laws or rules of the courts. This is copyright-protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.

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