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Our Focus Matters as Moms Dealing with a Narcissist
We need to focus more on the solutions than all the problems that the narcissist causes and the drama they create, which is designed to throw everyone off emotionally. This is why we need to draft an ordered, numbered, clear list of what we want/need in this co-parenting situation (For example, a court-ordered and approved co-parenting app, set days of a parenting schedule, a solid, rotating holiday schedule, reimbursement of the child’s expenses done within 30 days or an interest penalty applied and more). When we are bogged down with problems, we can’t find solutions.

We need to sit down and think about what our children need now and in the future. Then, we search for the words of something to ask for—that gives it a voice and structure. For each and every problem that we encounter, we can use wisdom and create a coinciding solution that we then ask for at mediation, negotiations, conciliation, hearings, a judge, or in a summary for judgment after a trial. By making this list in advance, we keep professionals focused and on track. Listing things can help us remain child-focused, and this helps others view us as the healthier parent, and we don’t get lumped in as a high-conflict party. When we lead with what we want rather than our emotional rantings and list of complaints that we have about what the narcissist is doing or not doing—we stand a chance at getting solutions implemented.

Narcissists Make Terrible Co-Parents!

Narcissists are manipulative and highly skilled at deception. Very often, when narcissists are backed into a corner of truth or feel threatened, they can be downright nasty. They have many tricks, tactics, and traps to victimize and re-victimize moms with narcissistic abuse, even after separation. Because of this unfortunate dynamic, we, as moms, must acquire the understanding, skills, and strategies to deal with these individuals as seamlessly as possible. Plus, we need to stay sane—-for the sake of ourselves, our children, and our custody case. However, remaining level-headed while dealing with the narcissist’s insanity is no easy feat. 

To cope with the situation rationally, we need a plan in place. To help other moms endure this experience and preserve the hope to overcome it, I offer tips, tools, and strategies in my books and blogs. I write specifically for mothers who are struggling to co-parent with a narcissist and suffering what I call “Co-Parenting Abuse”—which is really a continuation of narcissistic abuse, known as post-separation abuse. The bottom line is that narcissists can abuse us while we try to co-parent with them. In fact, the narcissist will use their continued access to us as an opportunity to exert their abusive tactics whenever possible.

Are you in a high-conflict battle with a narcissist? Is your ex unwilling to settle, mediate, or negotiate? Typical! Then, you know the frustration of how a custody case can drag on. At some point, you or your lawyer might think getting another professional on the case is a good idea. Or perhaps a judge might order a GAL (guardian ad litem) to investigate the child’s life (and both households) more in-depth and write a report to the courts. However, think again! The truth is that there are various experiences ranging from not helpful to good to horrible for the protective parent. 
What is a GAL? 

A guardian ad litem (GAL) is a professional appointed by a court (or requested and selected by attorneys) to look after and protect the interests of a minor child who cannot care for themselves and/or is legally incompetent due to their age. Their job is to investigate a child’s life and report findings. This means they interview parents, caregivers, and others in the child's life. Often, they’ll interview the child as well. They may request medical records and other information. In their report and testimony in a trial, they usually make recommendations to the court. The investigation, report, and recommendations are supposed to be based on “the best interests of the child.” Sounds good, right? Maybe, maybe not! Please keep reading.

As worried and stressed-out moms, we often run (or rush) to a lawyer and dump all of our concerns, anxieties, complaints, pain, and problems. Most likely we’ve never been in a legal battle since it’s not our nature to fight for fairness or complain to such a degree. We might feel intimidated talking to a lawyer. We might feel ashamed since we are peace-seeking and peace-making, type of people. Typically, us empaths, have accepted unacceptable behavior and are filled with the anger of dealing with injustice and constant unfairness. Our first battle, breaking up with the narcissist, wore us out mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now we have a second legal battle that looms over our heads and haunts us. Can you relate?
We have had to break up with our own codependency, love addiction, and trauma bonds to our ex to recover ourselves and self-esteem. Then, we had to grieve our dreams of a happy family and face the pain of the lies, disappointments, and letdowns. Generally, we are not in good emotional shape when we get to the lawyer. We are heartbroken, scared to lose our children, and narcissistically abused with threats—and other tactics. Now that we left our abuser, he most likely is doing co-parenting abuse tactics that further hurt and destabilize us. How are we supposed to show up strong and confident at a lawyer’s office? What do we even ask the lawyer? We don’t know the law.