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How-To Get a Good Attorney
-Have to go to family court with a narcissist to get child support established?
-In a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissist?
-Need your parenting-plan or custody agreement court-ordered?
-Ready to appear before a judge, plead your case, and be judged as a parent?
If you are facing family court with a narcissist, I recommend obtaining (retaining) a family-law attorney to represent your interests, (your 20+ Wants) and advocate for you and your child/children.
Because you are taking the time to read this guide, and learn my tools, you may be able to spare yourself some headaches (and heartaches). Learn from what I went through in a 12-year family court custody battle with three different attorneys! Read on for my valuable “survivor-wisdom.” Learn all you can because knowledge is power!
Are you trying to save the alcoholic?
Are you "helping" the alcoholic? Find yourself doing things all at the expense of your own life, sanity, and maybe even safety?! You are not alone. Please don’t fall into shame and self-blame. What I learned from loving an alcoholic for 15 years was profound. I learned that I wasn’t loving MYSELF while I was actively loving HIM. (I was active in my own codependency.)
This woke me up. I was self-harming while in the thick of my codependency. Did you know that this condition was once called “co-alcoholism” - at one time in history?! I was shocked since I never drank any alcohol!
Know this:
Self-awareness is a MUST!
Self-preservation is a MUST!
Self-protection is a MUST!
SurThrive the Narcissist! 30 Skills for Dealing with a Narcissist
My only child and I survived her narcissistic father. Not only did we survive a narcissist---we surthrived! I spent 12 years in a family court custody battle with a narcissist, winning some and losing a lot. I had to get out of the stress of it all by employing specific strategies at very strategic times. I learned how to communicate with the narcissist so our child could get her needs met. Then, I learned how to negotiate with a narcissist to get out of family court and get all that I wanted ordered in our parenting plan, plus child support! It took multiple strategies, implemented with support. Today, our child thrives as a result of my learning, healing, and growing through the difficult experience. I was able to stay in our child's life and be part of her one-and-only childhood. We both came out of it smarter and stronger than before!
Here are skills and strategies outlined in my previous six books for moms (available on Amazon).
Many of these need a full understanding and explanation to grasp how they can be (or might be) effective.
Where the narcissist has tactics, tricks, traps, and many manipulative ways, we need skills and strategies to counter these and put a stop to our losses. The narcissist may maneuver around us (and our resistance and rights), but with skill, we can side-step!
What To Do If You Are A Mom Who Has Lost Custody to a Narcissist
Terrible Outcomes in Family Court for Protective Moms???
When I heard the term “horrible-outcome cases,” in a consultation with a DV expert, I knew that someone had figured things out. Living through a 12-year family court battle, putting a name to what I had lived through helped me feel less confused and alone in my personal tragedy. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my child and my rights as a parent. It all felt so much worse losing the ability to protect my child from a known abusive, toxic ex. But, I was able to transform my situation (using wisdom) to get a better outcome and regain what was lost.
Family courts and judges can (and often) do get things very wrong. Not only do our children suffer when placed with a personality-disordered ex such as a narcissist, but we suffer too. As empaths, we can feel our child’s pain—and the pain can feel like too much to bear or carry after suffering a loss of our parenting rights or visitation time. But, I learned that mothers who get strategic rather than be defeated often can rebuild their custody cases. Relationships with children can repair and healing can happen—for all involved who hold onto hope and have patience.
I am not here to judge any mom who has lost and please don’t judge yourself. We are doing the best we can, moments with all that we are up against and the limited resources.
Here are three things that I had to affirm for myself to keep me grounded. (I get that what worked for me, may not work for all of you. Please take what is helpful and leave the rest for maybe another time when/if you are ready.)
How Non-Action Works with a Narcissist in a Custody Battle
Planned Non-Action Can Accumulate Leverage Against a Narcissist
Beyond reacting to the narcissist is another advanced skill that is actually a universal principle. This is planned non-action. Yes. I get that it sounds like a paradox. It is. Life is full of these paradoxes. When we start responding to the situations the narcissist creates, we are able to get into logic, common sense, and reason. (And we begin to think long term, which is very important because a short-term win is just that short-lived.) If our response is non-action, this can sometimes be even more powerful than action. In my case, I had called CPS multiple times with reports of him driving under the influence with the child in the car (but I had no 3rd party proof). In the end, these numerous reports went against me at my 5-Day Trial, which spanned two years, and the whole trial brought against me felt like a modern-day witch hunt. With non-action, I added some softness to the hard situation. This was a subtle shift of unseen forces of my energy, attention, and emotion. I brought gentleness and flexibility to my custody case, which led to negotiations that never happened before. This required patience and a different perspective.
We often think that to overcome our challenges, we must push harder and resist more. Or we may feel that we need to do more and fight against things. But sometimes the most effective way to deal with obstacles is to adapt and flow around them, which is similar to yielding to reality. It’s not exactly giving up or stepping aside to be humble and accept that we are facing a very difficult person who has parenting rights. Our instincts might be to confront the problems he brings “head on” with force and stubbornness. But if we listen more than we speak, if we respond with a calm demeanor rather than anger, our softer response can diffuse tension and create openings for real change.
40 WAYS NARCISSISTS CAN ABUSE A CHILD
Are you noticing fear in your child?
Are you trying to co-parent with a narcissist?
Does the narcissist even make for a good dad?
Welcome to my work for mothers and their children. I help to encourage, educate, and empower the safe, healthy, loving, protective mom who puts their child’s needs over an ego-battle with a narcissistic ex. *Please read my disclaimer below.
This blog is to raise your awareness of what your child may be enduring on un-supervised parenting-time with a narcissistic dad. I write this for all the young, vulnerable children who cannot articulate to their mom yet what is happening to them when they spend time with their dad. *Trigger warning for all empaths.
Do children get abused by their narcissistic dad? I think, I know (that typically and sadly), yes!
The bottom line is we, moms, need to work and strategize to prevent child abuse from a known abuser (or toxic personality-disordered person). We must set aside our wishes, wants, hopes, and dreams that the narcissist will somehow turn into a safe, caring, loving father. If we are dealing with a personality-disordered narcissist (which is a diagnosable condition that fundamentally lacks empathy), and if we ourselves have suffered disrespect (and abuse) by the narcissist in the past… Then, we can logically deduce that our children will most likely have a very tough time with their dad (and possibly be subjected to abuse).
5 Five Reasons Not to “Win” Against the Narcissist
Welcome to my work to share my survivor-wisdom with mothers. If you’re a mom who’s required to co-parent with a narcissist or if you’re in a custody battle with a narcissistic ex, please know this: you are not alone. Many other moms have been in this situation. I’m one of them. I’m a survivor. My child and I survived her narcissistic dad, and you can too. Sometimes, winning isn’t the way to go.
I’m a survivor, author, coach, and strategist. I’ve written several books, including my newest one, Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War and the Custody Battle with a Narcissist.
I support, encourage, empower, and educate the loving, caring, protective moms who want to spare or save their children from narcissistic abuse. Quite often, our complex cases end up in the family court system as we desperately try to protect our kids or simply try to secure our basic right to see them. I went through a 12-year family court battle and faced many failures and had to stage many comebacks. It can be financially devastating, emotionally exhausting, and absolutely heartbreaking. So, I get it.
Watch Out for “Winning” Against the Narcissist!
Why I Teach a “3rd Way”? Because most moms see only 2 options:
1. Push hard in family court. Hire lawyers. (Spending thousands on legal fees.) And endure the stress and trauma of a broken system
Or
2. Run away or give up
Some moms feel so beaten down by post-separation abuse that they fantasize about disappearing just to escape the narcissist! After neither of those options felt like the right choice for me, I prayed for and found another “3rd Middle Way.” This different way was not going to lead me into an endless war, nor make me abandon my child —instead, I had to learn skills, accept reality, and find a way to coexist with the narcissist by strategically navigating within the system we had and his personality disorder. I had to mentally step out of the traditional lawyer-driven win/lose mindset that kept me trapped and resulted in a 12-year legal battle where we lost some and won some.
6 Dangers of Messaging the Narcissist TOO much
If we are co-parenting with a narcissist, or in a custody battle with a narcissist (or might be), we need to safeguard our personal information—and more. We have to protect our minds, bodies, spirits, souls, parenting rights, custody cases, and precious energy. My lawyer advised me to be careful in my communication with (and to) the narcissist—and for good reasons!
If you are in your own battle with a narcissist, the key is to use wisdom and support as you try to navigate around the narcissist. Going through the difficulties, I found it best to share with a safe support person what I really want to say to the narcissist and then use the “Customer Service Skill” to give neutralizing responses to the unsafe narcissist.
Do You Know the Narcissist? (31 Traits to Watch Out For)
Gaining an Understanding of Narcissists
Narcissists lack respect. To avoid going crazy from the narcissist’s refined crazy-making tactics, we need to be clear about who/what they are. First, we have to acknowledge the truth of the person we are dealing with. For example, we can’t get respect from someone who doesn’t have respect to give. Generally, they don’t respect rules and laws as a neurotypical person would. A person, not with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), has a thinking capacity that reasons out long-term consequences and has consideration for others. Narcissists are lacking, as you may well know. You may notice (and become angered and annoyed by this) that they aren’t following court orders or parenting agreements. A piece of paper isn’t going to fix something they lack (in their brain/thinking capacity).
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