Trauma bonds are bonds formed by trauma —and they are strong! This type of bonding has both a biological and emotional component. So, these bonds don’t easily fade over time. You can’t fall out of trauma bonds like you “fall out of love.” Plus, it’s very difficult to stay away from someone you have bonded with. Even more so, the longer the time bonded, the harder it can be to break. These are a typical manifestation of an abusive relationship and relationships with alcoholics, addicts, or narcissists.
Just Imagine. . .
How would it feel to have friendly, business-like, neutral-toned messages from your ex?
How much easier would co-parenting be?
How would it feel to not be in a constant state of turmoil and not feel like you have an enemy or your own personal terrorist?
How would it feel to be free of all the criticisms, complaints, attacks, false accusations, and negativity?
If you want this feeling of freedom from your ex, keep reading/listening.
If you love an alcoholic, then you know how much energy it takes. There's usually so much focus on the alcoholic, that often, we don’t see ourselves.
As the author of, So, You Love an Alcoholic? (book available on Amazon), I put together a list of 30 signs & symptoms of codependency that I saw in myself. You’re welcome to use this as a self-screening tool. Just know it can’t diagnose or treat the condition.
Detachment can be key to recovering your sanity, coping with the chaos and surviving the progression of a partner’s alcoholism. More so, it can stop codependency from creeping into our lives and taking over. Too much victimization can lead to a very detrimental victim mentality. When detaching, you get a chance to break off of the fixation on the alcoholic and come up for oxygen and see yourself. Detachment is a powerful tool and often the first step in healing. Detaching is a choice and skill. First, we start by being willing. By detaching, you can not only recover yourself and your life but also your joy and happiness.
If you are in a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissist, you will need to not only be “evenly matched” in the courtroom, but also well represented and well prepared. Our custody case is often only as good as our attorney is. Not being adequately represented cost me my legal rights to the child that I was trying to protect. My former attorney, while affordable, was ill-prepared, not a family law attorney, unequipped, easily tricked (because he bargained with goodwill and sincerity), and not experienced enough to handle what happened. If you read my books, you will read that I had to stage a comeback after my brutal trial and loss. If you can avoid losing, do so
If you love an alcoholic, then you probably have tried Al-Anon, a Twelve-Step Program for friends and family of alcoholics. It’s anonymous, it’s free, and meetings are virtually everywhere. Meetings take place by phone, virtual, via chat, and in person. The Al-Anon program is a spin-off, sister-program/companion program to the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and the original Twelve Step program. It has helped millions of people and families stuck in the alcoholic-codependent dilemma.
It’s helpful, valuable, and can be a sanity-saver. I, myself, have used and relied on the program. Al-Anon adopted its twelve steps from AA. What I often wonder is, was that the right idea? Should we have our own program geared more towards what we deal with
We Suffered, Now They Suffer From a Narcissist...
The hard truth is that our children will struggle from having a narcissistic parent. We suffered at the hands of a narcissist, and now we see our children suffering. It’s painful to witness. The subtle types of abuse, slights, ignoring needs, dismissing wants, and disregarding feelings can infuriate us as mothers. We want to rush in and fix it.
Yet, we know we can’t change the narcissist. We also know that our children need to develop coping strategies to deal with toxic people and learn to survive. In addition, we are often in the situation of having to comply with court orders that allow this abusive person parenting rights. What an awful system! As a concerned parent, you will need to adopt/implement some strategies to help your child cope. You can help in a few ways that are within your power as a parent.
A “codependent bottom” is a dark and hopeless place mentally, physically, and emotionally. It’s a place of despair, fear, and brokenness. It’s equivalent to the “Dark Night of the Soul.” However, if you have gotten to such a low place that you feel you have hit a “bottom,” this can be a good thing! Bottoms can be our greatest teachers. Bottoms can be the starting point we need. After all, we can only go up from there.
Abuse happens. And it can happen to our most beloved children. When we leave the abuser, sometimes our vulnerable children are then in a direct line of threat to being abused by our abuser. It breaks our hearts, fills us with anxiety, and gnaws at us with guilt. It can be so painful and infuriating to witness this. We often feel powerless to stop it. However, there are ways we can help.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is a stressful experience. It can feel like trying to work with a terrorist. Narcissists aren’t generally team players, and the nature of selfishness often causes those of us who deal with them to get the short end of the stick. If the narcissist is abusive (often the case), and if the narcissist has deemed you the TOB (target of blame), then you might be having to deal with tactics like opposite parenting and counter-parenting. An angry narcissist creates a lot of drama, chaos, and confusion — the realm where the narcissist destabilizes the target to win.