Grey-Wall Out The Narcissist!

“The Grey-Walling Method”

When Dealing with a Narcissist

As Your Co-Parent

10 Tips to Keep You Sane & Surviving as a Co-Parent*

By Grace W. Wroldson (Author & Coach)

Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane

Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win

Book 3: Co-Parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide

Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

(Available on Amazon)

*Suggestion: Read my book series in the order written 1-4 for a full understanding of my true survivor-story.

WATCH THIS ON YOUTUBE VIDEO

Do you have a headache dealing with the narcissist?
Are you suffering insult after insult while trying to “co-parent”?
Are you constantly being triggered into fear and panic?

You are not alone. Continued abuse is typical behavior of a nasty narcissist after separation.

Did you know that a narcissist typically wins by destabilizing the target?

A warm welcome to my work. If you are a mom forced into co-parenting with a difficult narcissist or stuck in a high-conflict family court battle with a narcissist, I have some tips, tools, and survivor-wisdom to share. If you are ready to learn, I am here to teach via my true story. I aim to be a light in the darkness of this dilemma. I aim to help moms focus on what matters and thus step into sustainable solutions. My main goal is peace and protection for children. I help by supporting, guiding, and mentoring loving caring moms—encouraging them to diligently seek support, find and maintain stability, stay sane, be smart about situations, and do solid documentation while putting multiple sanity-saving strategies in place. (*SEE MY FULL DISCLAIMER BELOW)

A special request from the author. If you share my idea with others who need to learn these skills, please give me credit as an author and send them to my website and work. I want to help as many moms as possible because I know that it eventually helps suffering children.

My Transformation Story

A short synopsis of my story…I was able to win my rights back to my only child after losing them in family court to a narcissist. Before I learned to navigate the narcissist I endured 10 years of post-separation abuse by my narcissistic ex. He engaged in legal abuse for years due to his wealth and family’s enabling. With specific strategies and support, I was able to endure the legal battle, win back my rights, hold him in contempt, and then get his cooperation and kindness as a co-parent. Amazing! A true miracle! I know. But it took years of research on my part to learn just what makes a narcissist tick. I hired several specialists to help me through the hell I endured. I kept my main focus not on fairness to me as a mom (ha!), but rather on my child’s one-and-only childhood. Her happiness came over my justice. I prioritized her health and safety along with my sanity—which was hard to hold onto sometimes through the insanity I endured. I won’t get into all the abuse the narcissist put me through but you can read in my earlier blogs a list of tricks, tactics, and traps the narcissist set up to destroy me which included gaslighting, minions, and flying monkeys both in and out of family court. But guess what? No more! I’m free! How did I get here? Well, it took work on my part and several steps. There were even phases to standing up to him and then getting his cooperation. I had to change, heal, learn, and grow—and quit being his target of blame or “enemy to destroy.” (Read The Co-Parenting Abuse List and Co-Parenting Abuse When Dealing with a Narcissist)

(Or check out this blog: Steps to Win Against a Narcissist in Family Court)

More Than Just Talk

My personally created and crafted “Grey-Walling Method” is more than a communication strategy with the narcissist—it’s a full survival strategy for being able to move on and keeping the narcissist out of your life (as much as realistically possible). We must protect our sanity! This is a distancing method I used to stay separate and away from the toxic abusive narcissist. I formulated this method year after painful year of problems with my narcissistic ex. No, it’s not scientifically proven and I don’t have case studies to highlight its effectiveness or success. However, it worked for me and some of my coaching clients. I believe it’s worth a shot to try on these mindsets and to try out these approaches (with a supportive team like a good coach, a domestic violence counselor, and most importantly a lawyer who is on board and says this is good to do for your case). NOTE: Not all protective moms can do this method if there are HUGE safety issues or obstacles that would make the efforts dangerous. Unfortunately, many of us (I think the majority of us) have to learn to coexist with the narcissist as we can’t eliminate them (and their abuse) completely from our child’s life since family court generally awards parenting rights and such—and as I have been told, narcissism is not a crime. You are not alone if you have experienced Family Court Failures. I, myself, had to overcome MANY and stage a comeback—like I describe in my first book. Check out chapter 8 in that book and learn about the resurrection power we have—like a phoenix that comes up out of the ashes of failure.

Take a Dual Approach!

My dual methods of Grey-Walling and Skillful-Means cover both short-term and long-term strategies when dealing with a narcissist. My methods and programs don’t say “annihilate, defeat, beat, destroy” a narcissist, rather, they say to “navigate the narcissist” which takes knowledge, skill, planning, preparation, and support. It takes serious emotional restraint and a dedication to healing from narcissistic abuse. Yes, sure, you might be able to outsmart a narcissist but you are most likely going to trigger him—and possibly tick him off too! What happens when a narcissist is angry? They usually begin harboring hatred of you. They typically retaliate and seek revenge. No, they don’t walk away, forgive, and go work on themselves and their plethora of issues. They blame. So, due to this, I don’t recommend the witty, clever remarks meant to put the narcissist in his place. As I found out the hard way, seemingly shutting the narcissist down with my intellect is not the path to peace. It certainly doesn’t make them want to help you out later when you need your child an extra day for something special. Always keep the future in mind. With skills and strategies, I believe you can change how awful the dynamic is, even if it’s for the better. (Read my blog, How To Communicate With A Narcissist Using Grace’s Skillful Means)

The Mistake of Winning Against a Narcissist*

The truth is, when you “win” against a narcissist, you don’t typically win a peaceful, pleasant future of co-parenting when dealing with them. What you end up with is a bitter, resentful co-parent who tends to take his issues out on the vulnerable children—if he can’t hurt you directly. You have got to think long-term and think of consequences (something the narcissist himself doesn’t do when he reacts and acts out). Narcissists are often blind to consequences. Knowing the narcissist’s limits, you have to lead the charge to create what you want—which is peace. Us wise souls aim for peace in these terrible instances because in peace you and your children can thrive. (And because the child/children are not 18… they are not grown adults with full rights to leave an abusive parent so we want to be smart about what we subject them to when they have to deal with their dad.) Have you ever stood up to the narcissist or said no to the narcissist and found out he was in a bad mood his whole parenting time? Not cool. So I encourage you to learn how to speak in a respectful way to a non-respectful person (which is totally difficult to do). As I found out, the narcissist started to mimic me and use my words against me. This time, however, the words I spoke were carefully chosen, and very good to hear back! Become aware of this happening and use it to your advantage. Read my blog, 25 Key Phrases That Can Neutralize The Narcissist: When Co-Parenting or in a High-Conflict Custody Battle

*NOTE: Some of my thoughts and idea may NOT apply if there are serious child safety and neglect issues. Those moms may need to fight to win sole custody (using lawyers and CPS) and request supervised/no visits to protect their children.

Please don’t wait for the narcissist to become a great guy or to become a great mom. The narcissist can’t establish peaceful, cooperative co-parenting conditions—so don’t hold your breath waiting for him to get over a grudge or grow up. Peace, when co-parenting, requires sharing and consideration. With his many, many blind spots, like fear and paranoia, he doesn’t have much to offer in this platonic relationship. By their inherent nature, a narcissist wants to fight (or get attention, even if negative attention) and leave charged-up. Engaging in direct toe-to-toe battle outside your castle walls would most likely drain you while this same fight fuels them. We have to be the change we want to see. This begins with us. Our change sends a ripple effect. What we give out DOES come back to us. So think carefully and plan accordingly of what tone you want to set. Sure, there’s lots to hate about the narcissist. In my view, it’s okay to hate evil. But we know it’s not healthy to harbor resentment. We also know that we have to radically accept reality even if it’s not nice and painful. We know that we suffer when we don’t accept the truth of our situations. Acceptance leads to personal peace. We can accept what is and hold out hope for the future as we grow in our knowledge base of narcissists, family court, and parenting. We can face our grief and not wait for the narcissist to apologize for all his terrible inhuman behavior—past and present. Doing our grief work can help us move on so that our children get at least one healthy, happy parent. (Read my blog, For Moms Dealing with Narcissists.)

What is Grey-Walling?

My Grey-Walling method developed after years of trial and error dealing with a narcissist. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought maybe I wasn’t boring enough or bland enough. I read several books on boundaries when I ended the relationship with my alcoholic-narcissistic ex. The Grey Walling method might also be called the “Castle & Curtain Method” someday. Grey-walling is creating a concrete structure, much like a castle. Then, to this encircling outer protective wall, add a heavy quilted grey curtain on the outside (for those super-balls, which I will explain later). You want boundaries that are cemented and solid with this creature. No cracks in your walls! If you’ve got them… fill them in. You want boundaries all around what you do and say. You want guards at the gates. You want walls high enough that the narcissist can’t look in on your life because you are not supplying details, data, intel, or info. You don’t open the window or lift the curtains for this visitor. He doesn’t get a pass. You want a certain thickness of skin so that his “arrows of anger and rage” can’t penetrate you. You want to have a whole functioning world inside of your walls that is full of healthy, supportive, cooperative people so you can raise your child with peace of mind and completely out of enemy territory. You create this castle—this fortress of personal boundaries—for yourself and your child. You install the gates and control how information will be allowed in and out. You are the queen of this realm and you call the shots. Your cold grey walls of personal boundaries protect you. They even protect your child/children during your parenting time. This becomes a safe place for you to raise your child and teach him/her the ropes of survival. After all, you are a survivor.

As a survivor of narcissistic abuse for 15 years and a survivor of a family court custody battle for our only child, I can say that it requires great skill and tools to overcome the narcissist’s traps, tricks, and tactics. I need to clarify that I am not a therapist or counselor. I don’t offer domestic violence (DV) crisis help and if you have that situation please get professional support rather than following my footsteps. My methods aren’t scientifically proven to be effective for narcissistic personality disorder. What worked for me may or may not work for you, so as I share my story, please realize that you will need a team of support and legal advice to deal with a narcissistic co-parent. Be mindful that taking one idea or suggestion and trying it out randomly on the narcissist isn’t as effective as doing the self-work and learning how to deal with co-parenting issues and legal problems. I suggest that you read this blog, Dealing with a Narcissist? 11 Reasons to Get a Family-Law Lawyer! And do check out my 11-video series, Navigate the Narcissist Co-Parenting Course for more guidance and my story of success. Obtaining peaceful co-parenting conditions is very rare and took me over a decade to achieve. I often had to get therapy, coaching from the experts, and constant legal advice from a family law lawyer to know what to do, when (or what not to do). Because each custody case is often complex and complicated, I encourage you to get those advisors in place and not try to go it alone against this big bully. Keep in mind that depending on the type of crazy you are dealing with (narcissist or sociopath or both), these ideas may or may not work for you—or you may need to modify or exclude some of these ideas entirely. Remember that even though our cases are eerily similar, they are different. Read my book 4, How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

As an author of several books and a coach for moms dealing with narcissists, I aim to be transparent and truthful about my survivor story. This is why I write and speak using a pen name. Using my work to raise awareness of the all-too-often Family Court failures/pitfalls and to teach skills on how to deal with high-conflict personality-disordered people, I have helped moms who are forced to co-parent with a narcissistic ex get more peaceful conditions for themselves and their children. I teach both my “Grey-Walling Method” as well as my “Skillful-Means Method.” These are survival strategies to withstand the drama, trauma, conflict, and chaos that a narcissist tends to create and thrive in while we empathic moms tend to lose energy and barely survive. Depending on the phase a person is in with the narcissist, I tell my coaching clients to imagine that a narcissist has a sign around his neck that says, “Don’t Feed The Narcissist!!!” Just like there are signs in the wild, “Don’t feed the bears!” If you feed a narcissist your feelings, emotions, reactions, pain, or care/concern, they will keep coming back around. Take time to reflect, get some distance and see your dysfunctional interactions that you have with the narcissist, and lock up your garbage! Lock your feelings up in a waterproof narc-proof bin and don’t let them out of your garage! When you are ready, bring your boiling emotions to the safe dump like a confidential therapist or domestic violence counselor. Learn to recycle the energy of your emotions. Turn and transform them into jet fuel by developing self-rules and setting up principles to live by. Establish a mindset to adopt or establish a new, healthy perspective to take on your situation. I caution moms who want to pay the narcissist back or finally want to say all the words they held back when finally free… don’t try to get a reaction from an abusive narcissist. Certainly, please don’t seek validation from the invalidator. Read my blog, 25 Best Tips for Dealing with Narcissists as Co-Parents (FREE BLOG)

You Are Writing Your Child’s Childhood Chapter!

My first book, Co-Parenting with a Narcissist explains the rules I started to create when the boundary-crossing narcissist wasn’t respecting my boundaries (nor the court order). If you are creating this castle then you will need to establish some personal law and order of what happens within your walls. I had to establish rules for myself and I called these “Self-Rules.” I decided that my mindset mattered and I needed to keep my mind on what really mattered, in my case, which was child safety and protection. What also mattered was my state of health and attitude. I had to choose what attitude to adopt to endure this dilemma. I found a key: focusing on the love I had for my child over the hate I had for the narcissist, made a tremendous difference. My energy levels didn’t get depleted and it was in alignment with my values. With this healthier, better focus, I was able to be resilient. Don’t wear yourself out on small injustices. As I tell my mom-clients, “You will always get unfairness dealing with an unfair personality-disordered person.”

When I coached moms going through similar upsets with a narcissist (and family court failures), I would tell them to “be the curtain.” What did I mean? Well, here’s an example: if the narcissist is throwing an accusation out (what I call a super-ball: a rubbery bouncy ball that tends to bounce fiercely off of hard surfaces and go in uncontrollable directions). I would explain to NOT be that hard, concrete wall. Instead, I would encourage them to be a double-thick curtain. It’s an amazing difference. If you ever throw a super-ball off a cement wall you will know that it bounces wildly and everywhere. Conversely, if you throw that same rubber ball at the curtain, it just drops. Without hard resistance for the super-ball to bounce off of it goes nowhere, this way when the narcissist throws us any ball, including curve balls, we can “be the curtain” as a strategy to not escalate drama and enhance the problems. Does the narcissist have a nasty comment to make about you as a mom? They tend to try to push all our value-buttons. Do you react and tell him what an awful father he is? This triggers them and gives them evidence to use against you in family court to paint you as a psycho-crazy mom. Instead, let the negative comment drop to the floor and silently/energetically in your mind say, “Return to sender!” By giving silent resistance to being attacked you don’t defend yourself. Defending, justifying, and over-explaining make us look guilty and rob us of energy. I know, I know… It takes real skill and self-discipline combined with tons of self-constraint to be able to do this, however, knowledge is power and so is perspective. If you are able to take a step back, label the tactic, vent to a safe person, then formulate a response or NO REACTION, you gain an upper hand as the narcissist is seeking his “narcissistic supply” in the form of your fear, anxiety, reaction, and angst. My lawyer taught me to simply say back, “That’s untrue.” I learned to add, “We need to get along for the sake of our child. How do we do that?” Learn more in my blog, 25 Key Phrases That Can Neutralize The Narcissist: When Co-Parenting or in a High-Conflict Custody Battle

Know the Narcissist!

If the narcissist can’t get attention (even negative attention) and he needs to feel significant then he will go elsewhere to kick up his drama. What do I tell moms to do with all the narcissist’s nastiness? Document it! In an ordered, dated, numbered list. Learn to label the tactic so that you can take a step back and identify what’s going on interpersonally. You can’t imagine how useful this documentation can be to professionals (later at the right/appointed time) in exposing the narcissist’s pattern-of-behaviors. I teach moms how to record without feeling the negative, condescending, derogatory comment of the narcissist (with date, time, details) and to keep track of his awful hate speech because many custody agreements can or do contain a “no defamatory remarks” clause. His hateful, bitter, angry, revengeful mouth can be used against him (later/when the timing is right). I tell moms to store this information away and use it for later. Getting 10-20 nasty remarks gives you the pattern of behavior a court and court professionals need. This way, the narcissist exposes himself. If you are able to unemotionally say to your lawyer or a judge, “I have documentation of 20 hostile remarks directed at me from over the past 6 months….” you have grounds for requesting remedies of the court or asking for protection or consequences issued by the courts. The first key is to recognize and label the issue using awareness. The second key is logging events as they happen rather than automatically responding. The third key is to summarize. Lastly, the fourth key is to let the issue go until the time comes that this information is useful for you in either thwarting the narcissist’s attempt at sole custody or however you may need to use it against him.

Keep in mind when Grey-Walling: Not responding to the narcissist, not reacting to the narcissist, and not being part of the high conflict helps a judge and other court professionals to see WHO the problem parent is. Many times we get lumped into the high conflict but we want to remain above that and be seen as the more reasonable parent. I teach moms to keep a cool head and always ask themselves: “What do the family courts (and a judge) want to see me doing as a parent?”

Why Try Grey-Walling? What’s the Difference?

I chose the term “Grey-Walling” because the popular (and widely accepted) Grey Rock Method for dealing with narcissists doesn’t always work. Sometimes being a cold, immovable, insignificant-looking rock didn’t bore the narcissistic sociopath the way I hoped. Being boring definitely helped though! But it wasn’t enough for the narcissist that I was dealing with (Read all 4 of my books in a row). I noticed a striking pattern though: that those moms who got a new boyfriend or who got remarried definitely triggered the narcissist and sometimes suddenly became interesting to the narcissist again. It even goes to the extent that out of nowhere the new man is accused of horrible actions/behaviors causing the narcissist to abruptly file for sole custody of his child/children after being out of the picture for years and seemingly not interested with them. In my case, sometimes my ex-narcissist would escalate bad behavior to try to get past the boring parts of being an adult/parent. (Take this as a warning and use caution. Be careful on this front. Your children are number #1. I encourage you to prioritize and ensure you keep it that way until they are no longer children.)

Why? Because a grey rock is not as shiny as gold. The choice of color definitely sets the tone of what we are going for. Grey is a color of neither black nor white but more middle. When we talk about the grey area we talk about neither side of a strong stance and if you haven’t discovered by now, selecting a strong stance or firm opinion on something will typically generate a narcissist’s opposition. So unless your lawyer or DV counselor has a certain strategy for you, you definitely want to be as neutral as possible when dealing with a narcissist. Grey can also be considered boring and ineffectual. When the creator of this idea came up with the rock, I bet they imagined it to be a great visual of something hard, cold, and often immovable. When you put those qualities together the narcissist usually can’t get any thrill off of boring, bland, and something basic. However, I needed boundaries with the narcissist and needed to stop being a doormat. I had to mentally, emotionally, and sometimes to get up off the floor. It wasn’t enough to just lie in a pile of the narcissist’s rubble being a grey rock. I needed firewalls, stopgaps, shields, and protections. I needed a full grey wall to surround me on all sides to block the narcissist out from creating more havoc in my mind and a mess in my parenting. This is how I developed my “Grey-Walling Method” that works for me to this day with over a decade of implementation and practice.

Imagine your Peace and Protection. Visualize.

Visualizing is a powerful tool. And studies show, what we focus on on grows. This is why I focused on fighting only for peace and child safety. This is why I focused on maintaining my sanity. A friend who knew what I was going through gave me a picture of a sword to keep up on my wall as a reminder that I am a warrior even when I was losing certain battles. The visual of a grey wall might help you. I envisioned a wall like a force field and a membrane around my psyche, home, and life. An all-grey wrap-around wall, like that of a castle or fort, provided me with some psychological protection while I figured out what weapons would work (namely lawyers when it comes to narcissists). When the narcissist would approach me, he was met with grey walls and was essentially “walled out.” All chatter and decisions (all intel, info, and details) were kept inside the walls at all times. I didn’t bargain, pour out emotion, try to convince, or plead, nor did I reveal a strategy or “show my cards” to the narcissist. He didn’t know what was on the other side of my grey walls. This is probably why castles were built in the first place! Are you able to establish this firm foundation and some principles for your behavior?

My lawyer became a pivotal part of my Grey-Walling Method. My lawyer was an advocate and a representative of my rights and requests to the courts. So many moms don’t have this part of their grey wall established. I wish they did. It’s a true cornerstone and vital pillar of support. With adequate representation, court summons and communication about custody or child support are filtered through a lawyer who understands all the paperwork and is ready to uphold your rights. My lawyer provided me with psychological protection and so much “stress protection” for me and my child. I knew that with a competent lawyer our rights were going to be upheld and I was much less able to be manipulated by the narcissist with a lawyer on my side who was not a victim of this narcissist’s abuse. A good lawyer will stay focused on your “List of 20 Wants” in a non-emotional, detached, neutral manner and focus on child safety. Use my Get The Right Lawyer Guide to interview several attorneys. The guide has my 20-Question Interview Worksheet so that you can maximize your legal consults and get your burning questions answered.

Getting Partners in Your New Grey-Wall Strategy

My DV counselor was a part of my Grey-Walling Method. She would meet with me weekly to discuss my fears and frustrations so that none of my emotions ended up on the narcissist’s plate for him to feed off of. When I realized the narcissist enjoyed my emotional reactions getting thrills and highs from upsetting me, I decided to starve that beast. My safe, professional, experienced, confidential, understanding DV counselor got my tears, and witnessed my normal, human, emotional episodes. The narcissist never knew his impact on me psychologically and that was a layer of my curtain.

Even more so, the use of a co-parenting app aided with keeping a distance from him and establishing that communication is not about what I do for work, where I live, or anything about me. It established guidelines to keep communication about our child and provided evidence for the court that my ex was heavily focused on destroying me rather than being a great dad or figuring out our child’s activities. The app gave me some detachment, it was like lifting up the drawbridge and blocking out the narcissist whenever I wanted and needed.

Let’s recap some of the steps that I use in my Grey-Walling Method:

Establish a “psychological barrier” by having a team of support who are confidential, professional, and experienced to vent to and who know the backstory and details of your case
Wall-out court drama and stress by having a competent lawyer (and getting guidance from your lawyer on complex issues)
Be nice but stay distanced and detached to the narcissist
Develop a turtle-like skin. Grow a tougher exterior.
Establish marble support columns to hold you up emotionally, legally, and mentally. Make some Self-Rules and principals to live by.
Have a pleasant, politically correct statement or two “issued by your office” that addresses the narcissist formally and is business-like.
Always follow the court order and stay within its restrictions, unless your lawyer says otherwise who knows something we don’t.
Don’t include friends and family in the drama since they get sucked in emotionally and tend to want to battle for you which creates more conflict. Keep your family safe in your walls and have your “round-table discussions” with your carefully chosen lawyer and team of professionals who understand narcissists.
Be a sovereign, central, command post that realizes this problem can’t be solved quickly with an exterminator – so seal up any cracks or leaks of information and emotional outpouring. Know that you need to be in charge of all decision making on your case. Don’t take bad advice from well-meaning others.
Don’t rely on what’s outside of your walls’ for provisions. Learn to cultivate all you need to sustain yourself within your firm walls. Become a gardener and sow seeds of contentment. Stop seeking supplies, money, and resources from the narcissist.

Bonus 11: While you are within your castle walls for this period of time of raising a young child, practice simple abundance principles and live within your means (or well below in case of emergencies).

Your Life, Your Boundaries

When you are doing what I call the Grey-Walling Method, you are creating a boundary around your mind, heart, and life. A lawyer of psychological protection. You are keeping your stuff (thoughts, feelings, emotions, opinions) strictly for you and only allowing small, limited specific messages in. Your people that you have stationed at the gate (lawyers, co-parenting coordinators, the app) may greet you in your throne room and tell you what’s important to know. They don’t bother you with all the poop they had to clean up from the raucous at the entryway by someone who didn’t have permission to enter your gates. You get the gist, right?

Tips to keep you sane when dealing with a personality-disorder narcissist using the Grey Walling Method are:

Get a top family-law lawyer, or at least a lawyer to consult with on issues
Get a DV counselor, narcissistic abuse recovery coach, strategist, or therapist installed
Get into a program of recovery to keep you sane like CODA, Al-Anon, or ACOA
Practice being polite, nice, cordial, and business-like when communicating with a narcissist (read my 33 blogs on communicating with a narcissist)
Develop a plan of documenting his hostility, non-sense, or non-compliance rather than reacting to each injustice or insult

Ways to Effectively “Grey-Wall”:

You may want to contemplate these ideas and share them with your team to see if they are the right fit for your situation.

Have a predetermined general response already saved in your phone’s notes or email ready to send when you need time to think and if your order says a response is needed in 24 hours. (I help moms draft these so they have a shield to dampen and de-escalate the drama.)
Have a separate life outside of the narcissist’s view that’s private and confidential. Don’t divulge your life, good or bad, to the narcissist. This is one of those Self-Rules you must create and it’s a boundary to stick to with yourself.
Learn to speak in “we” statements, which are ways that are neutral, non-threatening, and non-blaming/shaming. You can read this blog on how to adopt this perspective and type of speech.
Don’t bother the narcissist or try to get his attention with things that come up that don’t involve him (unless it’s court-ordered things like medical, activities, or such). If you don’t know if you need to consult or notify him, this is where legal advice comes in handy. Be smart. Be selective. A lawyer, specifically your lawyer, who knows the ins-and-outs of your case (and who knows your legal strategy) should be one of your top advisors, not social media.

Got Strategy?

Basically, when dealing with a narcissist in a custody battle you will need multiple strategies to get through this tough situation. This Grey-Walling Method is just one strategy to keep the crazy narcissist out of places he doesn’t belong—like your mind. You will need legal strategies if you are in a family court battle and not just dealing with the co-parenting issues. (Read my blog, Legal Strategies I Used in Family Court In A Custody Battle With A Narcissist.)

Remember, you will need:

A documentation strategy
A support strategy
A legal strategy
A defense strategy
An offense strategy
A parenting strategy
A communication strategy
A healing strategy
And more!

(Read my blog, 3-Part Strategy For Dealing with Narcissists as Co-Parents.)

You may want to consider using this Grey-Walling Method and adding it in slowly and systematically. Be mindful of the repercussions and the need to fortify yourself. I have learned that when I made things abrupt and did things in a hard manner the narcissist felt rejection (which they often face in life a lot) and he would be triggered. The “No Trespassing Order” certainly insulted his fragile oversized ego. From his terrible state of uncontrolled emotional pain, I would suffer what I call “boundary backlash.” Make sure your support team is there to pick up the phone when setting strong boundaries. I write about this in my first book about loving and leaving the alcoholic-narcissist and breaking free of codependency.

You Have The Power to Place the Wall!

When I learned the steps that would stop the narcissist from being able to attack me, I wrote about it in my blog 5 Factors That Made The Narcissist Stop! I experienced such relief to be able to think about other things, rather than thinking about the narcissist. I share these secrets with you but I realize it will take time to digest these ideas. You will need to deeply reflect on your case. You will need to remember your reasons. You will need to remind yourself of your goals. You will need to stick to your guiding principles. Only you can make the decisions on your case but, please, be well-informed, be educated, and be represented.

Worth Reading

Here are some of my newest blogs to give you some more helpful ideas and direction:

*Disclaimer: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary whereas some of these will not be applicable to your circumstance. Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when watching this video or reading this document. This is for personal Self-Help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any laws or rules of the courts. This is copyright-protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.

Navigate Around the Narcissist & Neutralize the Narcissist Video Program!

Made for moms.

Are you trying to co-parent with a narcissist? (Is it always a problem?)
Are you stuck in a high-conflict family court custody battle? (Does it never seem to end?)
Or worse…. Is the narcissist attempting to steal sole custody of your child? (Is the narcissist trying everything to get out of paying child support?)

“Hi! Welcome to my work. I’m author Grace Wroldson and I am here to help you to:

Stop losing
Stop stressing
Start strategizing
Start learning how to navigate

I am here to tell you (because I have done this) that you can make a bad situation better for yourself and for your children. Be sure to watch my video in this course on creating peace and maintaining your sanity! “If you are ready to learn, I am ready to teach!” This is my 11-Video Navigate the Narcissist Course.

I personally know how challenging and awful this can be. I am the author of several self-help books (with lots of tips, tools, and strategies included) for moms dealing with narcissists.

Pick up my books . . .

Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane

Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win

Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide

Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

*Available on Amazon*

The KEY skill that’s needed for the peace you crave is . . .

Learning to navigate the narcissist!

This means learning to navigate the narcissist skillfully, wisely, and purposefully. This means learning to always think both short-term and long-term using common sense, logic, understanding, and knowledge of narcissists. No, this program is not about attacking the narcissist back. My course doesn’t say defeat, annihilate, destroy, or slay a narcissist… it says NAVIGATE which is more skillful and offers a chance at peace and goodwill for you and your children!

The peace and cooperation that I have today is what I want your family to enjoy. I used skillful means and there was less of a battle and less stress!

We have to learn to co-exist. (Hard fact and truth.)

If you are a mom in this very tough situation, you will have to do many difficult tasks including standing up for yourself, your rights, your child, and your child’s rights. It’s not easy to do with a narcissist!

I am here to offer some emotional encouragement, hand & heart holding, and provide wisdom, tips, tools, and effective strategies that can be employed with an attorney (who is competent and onboard). I aim to be a light in the darkness and stress of this unfair dilemma.

It comes down to doing these 3 KEY factors to improving conditions and getting better outcomes:

Navigating the complex, inadequate family court system
Navigating the nasty narcissist
Navigating your fears and trauma

When I went through this the hardest part was facing my fears, stopping/taming my natural emotional reactions to child abuse and neglect that would destabilize me mentally, and finding support people to strategize with who really understood.

Pick up one of my helpful books.

I write for moms forced to co-parent with narcissists and who are stuck in high-conflict custody battles so they don’t have to feel so alone, can be validated in what they are experiencing, and can improve their co-parenting conditions. May you learn, heal, and grow through this and then come out stronger than before!

Read, watch, and learn all that you can! Knowledge is power. Take your power back.”

xo- Grace Wroldson – Author & Strategy Coach for Moms

Need helpful guidance by video?

“Want instant help and self-education on how to make a bad co-parenting situation better with a narcissist? Watch my new 6-week, 11-video course to get started with positive change. (Designed for moms.) My Navigate the Narcissist VIDEO Course is available. Watch at your own pace. (Learn to navigate around the narcissist and neutralize the narcissist.)”

Navigate the Narcissist 11-VIDEO Online Course