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Do you have any tools in your “toolbelt” for dealing with a narcissist? A simple tool, like making a conscious list can give you power. While a narcissist looks for the easy out, “wings it,” and/or lies on the fly, we can set ourselves up to stand firm in truth with our lists, documentation, and evidence. When the narcissist tries to side-track us, we go back to item #1, 2, or 3 and re-read what we need to focus on. Something ready, prepared and printed can help us, our lawyers, and our kids get what they need.
KEY: Our lists need to be well-thought-out and carefully prepared with our support team of experts guiding us. This isn’t something we scribble on a Post-it note and lose track of. Instead, this is something we carve out a minimum of 1 hour to create with a coach, mentor, lawyer, narcissist expert, or guide. This is something we revisit and revise a minimum of 2 hours MORE. This is something we practice speaking, saying, articulating, verbalizing, negotiating, and role-playing to sound neutral or demanding (depending on the strategy your lawyer takes/recommends). Our list becomes our script for child safety, well-being, care, health, and needs.
Survivor-Wisdom says, to pre-plan this writing activity and pace ourselves rather than to procrastinate and try to push ourselves to do this last minute.

Are You Still Somewhat Attached to the Narcissist? If you’re a woman who used to love a narcissistic man, you may still be toxically attached via trauma bonds. You may have an unhealthy attachment to your co-parent, which makes you focus on him more than you do yourself and your kids. You might be comparing your life to his, or watching his life and feeling jealous. Be careful not to get caught up in these behaviors, or you risk an unhealthy obsession that can only bring you down and be a source of more pain. We have to grieve our losses fully and accept necessary endings.
Wisdom says: We need to detach from the narcissist to focus on our child/children.
As you know, not all relationships survive years of pain and betrayals. The fact is: Not all relationships are worth saving. Some relationships actually need to end and dissolve, because it's unhealthy for both people to continue. Know that: It’s humanly impossible to get a normal, healthy, stable relationship from a personality-disordered person such as a narcissist. NOTE: Our reaction to their abnormal behavior is not the biggest issue, their concerning behavior is the main issue. Is it time to get “real” with yourself about your past relationship? Did you “codependently collapsed” your life into the narcissist’s life and his problems? Did you lose your life when you entered his? Are you ready to step into self-saving solutions? You hold the key!

Sometimes, when dealing with a narcissistic ex, we mistakenly/unknowingly trigger the beast. Then, their fragile ego roars! We either have to endure narcissistic abuse, post-separation abuse, or legal abuse, or worse—we see our kids take the brunt of the narcissistic rage and his games. These manipulative mammals want to win. The narcissist has many tricks, tactics, and traps that they can set for victims. But, we survivors can use tools, skills, and strategies to stay in the ring for our children. We don’t have to leave the circus completely or leave our precious children behind in the unfairness of it all. We can use wisdom.
If you have children caught in the crossfire of a family court battle, would you stick them in the cage with an angry lion? No. Be smart and calculating. Take some time to self-reflect on your part in the equation of dealing with their narcissistic dad. Use Grace’s survivor wisdom to better the conditions for yourself. Be encouraged to seek support, use skills, heal, and overcome the narcissist.

Let me ask you,
Do you know what to document - when dealing with a narcissist?
Do you know how to document - when dealing with a narcissist?
Forced to Co-Parent with a Narcissist?

Welcome to my work! I teach moms to document strategically so they can keep their sanity. My motivated mom-clients get a documentation strategy in place so they don’t feel like they have to document absolutely everything. If documenting everything feels heavy, you are not alone. It’s more work we have to do—thanks to the narcissist. However, we can simplify so we don’t get too overwhelmed by having too much to do related to the narcissist. We can target the things that matter to the judge. When documenting a narcissist, we run the risk of focusing too much on the narcissist. So, there needs to be some systems and strategy in place. 

KEY: Document the narcissist—strategically.

What I have seen in my private life coaching practice is: moms without guidance fall to fear. Also, the moms who underestimate the narcissist often get ambushed. Even though the narcissist shows little-to-no interest year after year in the child/children doesn’t mean he wouldn’t file for sole custody all of a sudden, or at the exact moment when you go into the hospital for surgery and he finds out. (This happened to me.) 

KEY: Don’t underestimate the narcissist. Be prepared for anything with good documentation.

The Narcissist Hurts Us, Now We Have to Heal Ourselves 

Key to Healing: Make healing your mission.

If you are reading this, there is hope for you. You have taken the first step in your healing journey. (Understanding something complex and grabbing onto solutions.) You are taking full responsibility for your healing process. I do believe that this type of healing is a process—and that it requires your patience, dedication, and self-discipline. This may also take interventions to reach certain levels of your being, and a strategic approach. When I attempted to heal from narcissistic abuse at just the mind (cognitive) level, it wasn’t enough. My healing had to penetrate the depths of me and the abuse. I couldn’t put a bandaid on a gaping cut that needed stitches, gauze, real first aid, and a doctor. How far has narcissistic abuse penetrated your life? As I always say, “Self-work is the most important work we will ever do!” Healing is part choice. So, make the choice to heal from the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse. You invest in your future when you decide to heal and take steps. Your future needs your best self in it, not the narcissist. The truth is, your “best self” is completely narcissist-free.

Key to Healing: The narcissist hurts us, but we must take full responsibility for our healing.

What is Grey-Walling?

My Grey-Walling method developed after years of trial and error dealing with a narcissist. I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought maybe I wasn’t boring enough or bland enough. I read several books on boundaries when I ended the relationship with my alcoholic-narcissistic ex. The Grey Walling method might also be called the “Castle & Curtain Method” someday. Grey-walling is creating a concrete structure, much like a castle. Then, to this encircling outer protective wall, add a heavy quilted grey curtain on the outside (for those super-balls, which I will explain later). You want boundaries that are cemented and solid with this creature. No cracks in your walls! If you’ve got them… fill them in. You want boundaries all around what you do and say. You want guards at the gates. You want walls high enough that the narcissist can’t look in on your life because you are not supplying details, data, intel, or info. You don’t open the window or lift the curtains for this visitor. He doesn’t get a pass. You want a certain thickness of skin so that his “arrows of anger and rage” can’t penetrate you. You want to have a whole functioning world inside of your walls that is full of healthy, supportive, cooperative people so you can raise your child with peace of mind and completely out of enemy territory. You create this castle—this fortress of personal boundaries—for yourself and your child. You install the gates and control how information will be allowed in and out. You are the queen of this realm and you call the shots. Your cold grey walls of personal boundaries protect you. They even protect your child/children during your parenting time. This becomes a safe place for you to raise your child and teach him/her the ropes of survival. After all, you are a survivor.

Our Focus Matters as Moms Dealing with a Narcissist
We need to focus more on the solutions than all the problems that the narcissist causes and the drama they create, which is designed to throw everyone off emotionally. This is why we need to draft an ordered, numbered, clear list of what we want/need in this co-parenting situation (For example, a court-ordered and approved co-parenting app, set days of a parenting schedule, a solid, rotating holiday schedule, reimbursement of the child’s expenses done within 30 days or an interest penalty applied and more). When we are bogged down with problems, we can’t find solutions.

We need to sit down and think about what our children need now and in the future. Then, we search for the words of something to ask for—that gives it a voice and structure. For each and every problem that we encounter, we can use wisdom and create a coinciding solution that we then ask for at mediation, negotiations, conciliation, hearings, a judge, or in a summary for judgment after a trial. By making this list in advance, we keep professionals focused and on track. Listing things can help us remain child-focused, and this helps others view us as the healthier parent, and we don’t get lumped in as a high-conflict party. When we lead with what we want rather than our emotional rantings and list of complaints that we have about what the narcissist is doing or not doing—we stand a chance at getting solutions implemented.