10 Do’s & 10 Don’ts for Loving an Active Alcoholic

Grace's Dos and Don'ts of Loving an Alcoholic Blog

Grace’s 10 Do’s & 10 Don’ts

for Loving an Active Alcoholic

Here are a few of Grace’s best practices for recovering from an alcoholic-codependent relationship.* She created and practiced these Do/Don’t(s) which led her into loving herself to healing and wholeness. Take what you like, take what you can—and leave the rest for later use!

DON’Ts

Don’t: Expect a healthy relationship with an unhealthy man.
Don’t: Demand your boundaries be respected by a boundary violator.
Don’t: Disrespect yourself for the sake of respecting the alcoholic.
Don’t: Lie for another at the expense of your own truth.
Don’t: Love the alcoholic more than you love yourself. (READ: The Self-Love Solution)
Don’t: Tolerate abuse of any form (coercive control, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, etc.)
Don’t: Allow yourself to be convinced of a lie or fall for any manipulations. Don’t be baited into circular arguments where you will be attacked.
Don’t: Second-guess yourself and fall into self-doubt.
Don’t: Neglect yourself due to the alcoholic’s overwhelming needs.
Don’t: Look for approval from a critical, negative, complaining, active alcoholic.

Bonus: Don’t: Jeopardize yourself by living off the sick and suffering alcoholic and being completely dependent. Find a way to be self-supporting, independent, and free of negative influence or control, or have a safe backup plan for escape.

DOs

Do: Expect a high level of stress, and expect to be stressed out around a stressful person.
Do: Get help that is safe for you. (Al-Anon, Domestic Violence Counselor, or a therapist)
Do: Detach from any unhealthy, toxic behavior of the alcoholic. (READ: How To Not Be Affected by the Alcoholic)
Do: Detach from any negative thoughts you might be having about yourself.
Do: Have a life—even if they don’t and are ruining theirs!
Do: Focus on your own healing and recovery from codependency.
Do: Remember the hell that the alcoholic/alcoholism has put you through. Don’t forget or fall into nostalgia. This can be a huge weakness and cause you to repeat past mistakes, leading to more pain and suffering.
Do: Approve of yourself on a daily/hourly basis! Your wants, needs, desires matter TOO!
Do: Love yourself—even if the alcoholic doesn’t/can’t/won’t love you.
Do: Believe in yourself and believe you are worth it.

Bonus: Do: Keep a private journal to record your truth, keep track of your thoughts, and list the transgressions you have suffered from—this can help you see your situation more clearly. **

— Grace W. Wroldson author, mother, survivor, and thriver

*Disclaimer: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary where some of these will not be applicable for your circumstance. Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when reviewing this document. This is for personal self-help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any rights, laws, or rules of the courts. This is copyright protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.

**I am the author of 5 self-help books available on Amazon. Journaling not only made me more mindful as I recovered from loving an alcoholic, but it gave me the clarity I needed to completely break free of codependency. My entire journal transformed into life-lessons and transformed me!

The journal was converted and became my first book which has won a Gold Non-Fiction Award and a Silver Living Now Award. Journaling gave me insights, validation, an outlet for my feelings, as well a safe place to go with my thoughts. There’s a saying that always makes me think, “Yeah! Ain’t that the truth!” It is; “We have to go to therapy because they don’t!”

When I couldn’t afford the much-needed, daily therapy for my dilemma of loving an alcoholic, I went to my journal and gleaned the wisdom that powerfully became my true story of survival. It captured my resilience and now helps other women learn, heal, grow and change. By reading my journal which is now the book; So, You Love an Alcoholic?: Lessons for a Codependent, other women who love alcoholics shift perspective, and adopt healthier mindsets— all while being emotionally encouraged by my story as I stepped into the self-love solution. Journaling wasn’t just a tool; it was a survival and success-strategy! Start today!