Is it really worth the “win” –with a narcissist?

By Grace Wroldson, author of;

Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win
Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
Book 5: (NEW) Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means
Book 6: (NEWEST) Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War & a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: So You Can Heal and Be Able to Help Your Child

Hello, and a warm welcome. My work over the past decade is for moms who are required to co-parent with a narcissist (or for moms who are in a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissistic ex). If that’s you, please know: you are not alone. (*See disclaimer below)

I’m a survivor, a mom, a coach, and a strategist. I talk to moms about:

• Healing from toxic codependency
• Breaking trauma bonds and recovering from narcissistic abuse
• Neutralizing and navigating around the narcissist

My background is loving and leaving an alcoholic, who I later discovered—through my family court lawyer—was also a narcissist. I spent 12 long years in family court. I won some, I lost some. Then, I eventually got it all back by negotiating successfully with a narcissist using what I call a “3rd Middle Way” using strategy and my Skillful-Means Method.

Why I Teach a “3rd Way”

Most moms see only two options:
1. Push hard in family court. Hire lawyers. (Spending thousands on legal fees.) And endure the stress and trauma of a broken system
Or

2. Run away or give up

Some moms feel so beaten down by post-separation abuse that they fantasize about disappearing just to escape the narcissist! After neither of those options felt like the right choice for me, I prayed for and found another “3rd Middle Way.” This different way was not going to lead me into an endless war, nor make me abandon my child —instead, I had to learn skills, accept reality, and find a way to coexist with the narcissist by strategically navigating within the system we had and his personality disorder. I had to mentally step out of the traditional lawyer-driven win/lose mindset that kept me trapped and resulted in a 12-year legal battle where we lost some and won some.

You see… I noticed that after so-called “winning” a round in family court, I had to watch out for something I call, “Winner’s Backlash.” It was becoming awful to win because of the costs of a narcissist’s abilities to hold a grudge, seek revenge, retaliate, go for vengeance, and find new clever tactics to punish me.

An Introduction to Boundary Backlash & Winner’s Backlash 

In my previous books about recovering from codependency issues, I explained to women to watch out for “boundary backlash.” It’s a phenomenon that can occur when we set a healthy boundary with an abusive person who doesn’t respect boundaries. What we get are manipulative tactics and rages in the form of a backlash because our boundary threatens their sense of control. If you ever set a boundary with someone who was relying on you to always say “yes” and give into pressure, you know what I mean.

Similarly, I teach moms now to watch out for winner’s backlash! It can happen when/if we “win” against a narcissist—especially in family court. Typically if a narcissist sustains an ego injury or insult, they are driven by internal, toxic entitlement programs and can issue a dangerous backlash.
Because I have seen this so much in my line of work, coaching moms who are in the midst of a legal battle, I encourage moms not to stay stuck in such black-and-white thinking as:
-“I need to win.”

-“I have to beat the narcissist.”

-“I’m going to defeat or destroy him!”

This type of anger and fear-driven thinking:

+Keeps us in the same war-mindset that the narcissist has

+Plays into how lawyers and the court system pit us parents against each other

+Turns our life into ongoing rounds of battles, instead of building lasting safety and peace for ourselves and our child

Because I was able to step back and see what was happening in our situation year after year, and because I realized the dynamics at play, I reasoned that there had to be a different way that led towards peace— and that’s what I write and teach about now. I was able to stop the war with a narcissist by undergoing significant changes in me (and my mindset and approach).

*A Quick Disclaimer
This is not therapy or legal advice. I’m not a therapist or a court professional. What I share is survivor wisdom from my own journey and from coaching many moms. Please run all strategies by your lawyer and consider whether each idea fits your overall legal plan. Take what helps, leave the rest. I’m here to teach, coach, and mentor moms who are ready to learn and do the inner work. Not everything will apply, and sometimes what worked for me may not work for you. Each case is different—even if eerily similar.

My Books and Background as a Narcissistic Abuse Survivor

My background includes loving and leaving an alcoholic and healing from toxic codependency, narcissistic abuse, and trauma bonds. I’ve written books that help women break free from codependency and stop repeating self-sabotaging patterns (including the book So You Love a Narcissist?: 11 Keys to Stop Self-Sabotage). Available at Amazon.

For moms like me who were struggling with co-parenting with a narcissist, I wrote six books, including:

Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Seven Self-Rules to Stay Sane
(Because we need our sanity to get through all the insanity of the narcissist.)

How to Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win
(But be careful with the word “win.” If you feel like a “loser” or believe you’ve “lost,” your mindset can slide into:

-Disempowerment

-Harsh self-judgment

-Endless “should have / could have / would have” self-criticism)

NOTE: I’ve been there. It wasn’t helpful. And narcissists love to win, so this was a setup for more battles and bigger wars. That’s the power that one word holds!

How to Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist
(This book is packed with tools, strategies, and tips. One of the things that I teach is that if you can name and label narcissistic tactics, you are less likely to be emotionally destabilized by them.)
Key: Having awareness lets you say, “Oh, this is an attack tactic. I know the name of this. And I don’t have to take the bait!”

Tame the Narcissist: 10 Keys for Better Co-Parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful Means
(This book focuses on strategy and what I call my skillful means method.)

Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War and the Custody Battle with a Narcissist
(This is my newest shared survivor wisdom and where I really lean into that 3rd way—explaining how not fighting, not fleeing, but rather navigating, negotiating, and coexisting was more helpful for me and a healthier approach while I tried to put in protections for our child.)

My goal for moms in all of my books, videos, and digital guides is to:
+Educate

+Empower

+Encourage

…so that you can build the support system you need to endure this and come out stronger and smarter than before.

What Is “Winner’s Backlash?” When Dealing With a Narcissist?

In my private Facebook groups for moms, I see a common pattern:
A mom finally “wins” in family court. Maybe she:
-Gets full custody

-Receives a favorable order

-Feels seen and validated by the judge

She posts, “Oh my God, I won!”

But then…
-The narcissist files appeals against the mom

-Starts filing contempts against the mom

-Makes false IRS or CPS reports against the mom

-Sabotages the mom’s housing or employment

-Uses post-separation abuse in new, creative ways against the mom

Moms are often shocked, side-swiped, and surprised that the win didn’t give them the peace they wanted. But what we know about narcissists is:
-They hate losing

-They are highly competitive

-They hold grudges

-They often come back for revenge and retaliation

-They tend to attack and live in denial

Narcissists can be so personality disordered that they sometimes can be seen:
=Financially hurt themselves, just to financially devastate us

=Hurt their own situation to hurt their target of blame (us or the children)

=Keep the conflict going for years, simply to maintain a sense of power (sometimes for fun)

So if our whole focus is “I’m going to win and beat him,” we may unknowingly be setting ourselves up for ugly “Winner’s Backlash,” which is more narcissistic abuse and post-separation abuse. This is all part of what I call “Co-Parenting Abuse.” (See my 6 previous books for a full list of abuse tactics.)

Don’t Become the Target of Blame to the Narcissist

One key to not having this occur is to stop being or not becoming the narcissist’s target of blame. I use the term Target of Blame (TOB) for what many of us become in the narcissist’s mind. It happens to us when we are:
-Trying to expose the narcissist

-Calling the narcissist out

-Filing report after report on the narcissist’s non-compliance or offenses

-Directly “going after” the narcissist for anything (like child support)

Doing these things, we can mistakenly become the nasty narcissist’s “enemy to destroy” in his internal dialogue. What my wisdom has shown me is that we moms who just want to move on with our lives and keep our kids safe don’t want that title or position.

So, instead of:
-Me vs. him

-Mom vs. Dad

-“I will beat you in court” mentality

I teach moms to:
=Aim for neutrality

=Present themselves as another parent in the process

=Let lawyers, advocates, and courts do the direct asking and petitioning of rights

I show moms how we can let the requests be framed as: “This is what’s best for the child.” KEY: Coming from professionals. (not us)
NOTE: This changes the dynamic of not something the mom wants and not something generated from his ex, whom he often thinks or worries “is out to get him.” This doesn’t mean we roll over and become a doormat again. It means we stop feeding the power struggle and stop painting a red target on our backs. Get what I mean?

Why the Win/Lose Mindset Is So Dangerous with a Narcissistic Ex

Winning can feel very validating for us victims after years of abuse. But to a narcissist, “winning” can bring:
-New rounds of court
-Legal abuse
-Ongoing appeals
-More false reports
-Increased stalking and harassment
-Manipulation of the children
-And more!

Narcissists may:
+Use CPS as a weapon
+Weaponize the IRS, our family members, or their new supply
+Interfere with our job or landlord
+Turn friends and family against us with lies and half-truths
+Use parental alienation tactics to turn children against the safe parent (us)

In over a decade of trying to help, I’ve seen moms:
=Win custody… only to face relentless retaliation
=Win child support… only to have the narcissist refuse to pay, drag things out, or cause financial chaos and more of a crisis

What I have seen is that if the narcissist can’t get to us moms after a blow to their ego, they can take it out on the children during unsupervised visits. This is why it’s not a good idea to send our child into an unsupervised visit right after we’ve ticked the narcissist off and expect that our child will not get the fallout. Narcissists are toxic. Once we accept this reality, we change our behavior. We do not want the narcissist’s hatred of us to land on our child.
Skillful–Means: Neutralize, Disarm, De-escalate

Instead of focusing on beating the narcissist, I urge moms to focus on:
-Neutralizing the conflict

-Disarming attacks

-De-escalating volatile situations

This is what I call skillful-means. It’s a change in us that gets us speaking and acting at the level the narcissist is at, without triggering their worst defenses. Think of a narcissist like a sleeping lion. You don’t poke the beast just to prove a point while standing in the cage holding their supper. Narcissists feed on other people’s emotional energy. We sometimes give them our fear and pain, and they come back for more.

Using logic and common sense (not emotions), we wiser, more aware moms don’t:
-Keep trying to make the narcissist into the father we wish they would be

-Keep expecting empathy from the narcissist who has none

-Keep acting shocked when the narcissist responds from his fear and ego

Instead, we:
=Accept who they are

=Stop feeding their need for drama and emotional reactions

=Let our lawyers and professionals handle the hard lines

KEY: Use language and strategies that aim for “win-win” and child-centered solutions
Throughout all of what we have been through, we must be learning and growing past our knee-jerk reactive patterns to narcissistic abuse in all its various terrible forms. We must learn to respond and handle the narcissist differently. Often, family courts can’t handle someone who won’t follow rules and orders, which makes this more of a mess and feels defeating.

Know the Narcissist a Bit (Without Obsessing Over Him)!

It’s important to know typical narcissistic patterns, but not to obsess over them.

Just a few basics that you know but might need to keep in mind are that narcissists tend to be:
Selfish

-Lacking real empathy (though they can mimic pity and fake sympathy)

-Skilled at reading emotional weaknesses and exploiting them

-Energetic vampires who feed on your fear, pain, and chaos

So I urge that disadvantaged moms who are required to co-parent with them, don’t feed the narcissist their fear, angst, upsets, and pain. It’s important that moms learn the patterns and take time to label the patterns they are seeing by stepping back and out of the ring.

Then it’s healthy for us moms to:
-Focus on our healing

-Focus on our child’s one-and-only childhood

-Focus on what we can control: (like our mindset and our strategy)

NOTE: We make the narcissist uncomfortable by being their ex (someone who knows the real them). We have seen them at their worst when their masks have fallen off. This means we illicit fear in the narcissist, especially if they have lost control over us. So naturally it makes sense that the more we do and say, the more we can be pushing their fear buttons.

Resources to Go Deeper

If you want to go further with this work, I’ve created:
A YouTube channel with free videos like “Know the Narcissist!” and “Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissist”

A blog for moms co-parenting with a narcissist

A free Substack newsletter: Navigate Around, Neutralize, and Use Skillful Means with the Narcissist

PDFs like Get the Right Lawyer Guide— if you don’t have time to read a full book

My “20+ Wants List,” which is one of my best tools for moms in court. It’s a power tool that keeps us focused on leverage and what truly matters.

For moms who really want to be part of the change they want to see, I also have a podcast on Spotify, where you can listen to episodes of my survivor wisdom to help ground you and maintain your sanity.

KEY: It’s not just about winning and losing, but about ending the constant battle with the narcissist and protecting our child/children.

The Real Priority: Your Child’s Safety & Your Peace

I know it’s tempting to make beating the narcissist your mission. But when our children are:
-Young

-Vulnerable

-Caught in the middle

…our priority cannot be “winning” in the ego sense.

Instead, our priorities must be:
-Their safety

-Their stability

-Our ability to sleep at night knowing we’re doing everything we can to protect them

-Being a healthy and active presence in their lives

This may mean we:
=Put down some of our ego and pride (and stop trying to control)

=Accept that there will be unfairness with an unfair person
=Realize there will be disorder with a personality-disordered person

=Learn how to cope with unfairness without destroying ourselves or our children

NOTE: I have videos specifically on coping with unfairness, and I encourage you to watch them.

Final Encouragement

You are not alone. And our children are not alone. Throughout history, other children have grown up with narcissistic parents and survived. With support, healing, and strategy (using wisdom), I believe that our children can not only survive but can even thrive!

You, too, can:
-Learn

-Heal

-Grow

-Outgrow the narcissist!

Keep being a great mom. Keep learning. Keep healing. Keep growing.
Please remember: A peaceful, safe childhood for your child is a bigger “win” than anything a judge can hand you on a piece of paper.

xo- Grace W. Wroldson (author, narcissistic abuse recovery expert, & coach)

P.S. Watch this on my YouTube Channel:

Watch Out for “Winning Backlash” Against a Narcissist!  (in Family Court)