Healing from Narcissists and The Damage Done
Tips, Guidance, Resources, Understandings, & More
Plus 25+ Keys to Healing*
(Get the Narcissist Out of Your Head!)
“We must do our healing work for ourselves and our children. We are the ones to lead the way.”
By Grace W. Wroldson (Author & Coach)
Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win
Book 3: Co-Parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
(Available on Amazon) *Suggestion: Read my book series in the order written 1-4 for a complete understanding of my true survivor-story.
Were you in a hurtful, harmful relationship with a narcissist? (You can heal!)
- Ready to heal from narcissistic abuse?
- Sick and tired of suffering?
- Do you know all the levels required to heal from narcissistic abuse fully?
- Want to stop taking narcissistic abuse personally and move onto your next chapters of your precious life?
- Willing to do the required work?
Start taking strategic healing steps—-today!
Watch my FREE introduction video on YouTube HERE.
Let’s start by asking and answering this question:
What does a person do when they are unhealed? Think about this. Answer: They react. They go into a stress response of fight, flight, freeze, fain, and fear. They are launched into a defense mode. Generally, they are unable to be logical while emotionally triggered. Often, they lose most of their common sense and reasoning capabilities. This is why I stress that moms who are forced to co-parent with a narcissist do their healing work. When a victim is triggered, the narcissist has the upper hand. However, in a healed state, the victim has the advantage. A person can be unaffected by an abuse tactic once they are healed. They can know some type of abuse is forth-coming (from a toxic, personality-disordered person). Then, they can name it, deflect, shield, and either respond or not respond at all. They can calmly document the narcissistic abuse tactic in a numbered list to keep a pattern-of-behavior, with examples ready, for if/when it’s needed for leverage or evidence. A healed person gets out of the way to allow a narcissist to do themselves in and find other “narcississtic supply.” A healed person will file motions requesting their rights and a child’s rights. A healed person is more likely to obtain a high-powered lawyer, call the police, CPS, and authorities—when/if needed. A healed person can do things an unhealed person can’t for their children.
Key to Healing: Get the upper hand on the narcissist—heal from narcissistic abuse.
When we are not healed the narcissist can use our fears, low self-worth, low self-esteem, (and more) against us when it comes to child custody. If we get triggered into our trauma reaction and fear, we tend to lose our perspective and effectiveness. So, what happens when you stay emotionally sober, solid, and stable? You take away the narcissist’s influence and ability to weaponize your weaknesses against you. (This is more important than you might realize.)
Q: Why is it so hard to heal from narcissistic abuse?
A: Because there is a lot to heal from. (Learn what there is. Buy below.)
The Narcissist Hurts Us, Now We Have to Heal Ourselves
Key to Healing: Make healing your mission.
If you are reading this, there is hope for you. You have taken the first step in your healing journey. (Understanding something complex and grabbing onto solutions.) You are taking full responsibility for your healing process. I do believe that this type of healing is a process—and that it requires your patience, dedication, and self-discipline. This may also take interventions to reach certain levels of your being, and a strategic approach. When I attempted to heal from narcissistic abuse at just the mind (cognitive) level, it wasn’t enough. My healing had to penetrate the depths of me and the abuse. I couldn’t put a bandaid on a gaping cut that needed stitches, gauze, real first aid, and a doctor. How far has narcissistic abuse penetrated your life? As I always say, “Self-work is the most important work we will ever do!” Healing is part choice. So, make the choice to heal from the devastating effects of narcissistic abuse. You invest in your future when you decide to heal and take steps. Your future needs your best self in it, not the narcissist. The truth is, your “best self” is completely narcissist-free.
Key to Healing: The narcissist hurts us, but we must take full responsibility for our healing.
Narcissists are notoriously nefarious. They can do a lot of damage to a person’s psyche. You might imagine yourself as a bird with a broken wing. You will need some downtime, TLC (tender, loving, care), rest and recovery before you can fly again. Suffering abuse, being emotionally battered, losing a court case, losing a child, facing injustice, being lied to (or lied about) is no small thing. Acknowledge what you have gone through! You are stronger than you think. Make a list of your all personal challenges thus far with the narcissist, if you need to see how strong you are. I call this my “I Survived List.” I have it in the front of my journal. It affirms my ability to adapt and overcome difficulties when I don’t think I can take anymore (or if I don’t think I will make it). It’s OK to take a break—if needed. It’s OK to be on the ground healing up for a time in the future when you will fly again. Believe that you will. Choose to have hope for yourself. It definitely sucks losing so much to a narcissist. It feels like another unfair backstab when out of a relationship with a narcissist there’s more abuse. But just think: If you heal, you win. (Note: I tell all my mom-clients that we can’t expect fairness from an unfair person. So, just start by being fair to YOURSELF.)
Key to Healing: Shake the narcissist completely. Detach. Cut ties. Sever cords.
Healing From the Relationship with The Narcissist
Have you ever asked yourself, “What will it take for me to heal from the narcissist?” Know that… how you heal from narcissistic abuse may not be how the next victim heals. How I healed may not be your path. There are many paths to healing. What I needed may not be what you need. What inspires, motivates, and restores you may be unique to you. What’s important is your commitment to healing, willingness, and open-mindedness. What’s important is that you find a path and follow it. What’s important is that you stay inspired and uplifted. Having a basic care plan needs to be established. The fact is: No one else is going to do your healing for you.
Key to Healing: Be your own cheerleader.
I don’t believe that awful (yet funny) saying, “Getting under someone else helps you to get over your ex.” In my view (and experience), that’s a sure recipe for more disaster! Moving on without addressing personal failures, continuing into more relationships with a lack of self-knowledge and unwillingness to take ownership of the part we played is self-sabogating behavior. I originally thought I needed healing from my relationship with the narcissist from what I call the “Toxic Trio” of: 1. Codependency, 2. Love Addiction, and 3. Trauma Bonds. But, then I learned about another beast: narcissistic abuse. This is an animal that is hard to capture and corner. I am not going to tell you how to do your healing because your healing will be your own. I wouldn’t be so bold or insensitive to tell someone how to grieve the loss of their child. Grief is a very personal, sacred experience, and so is healing.
Key to Healing: Give yourself credit for making it out of a relationship with a narcissist alive! (Some don’t.)
In this, I will provide you with all the wisdom I have to offer on the topic of healing from narcissistic abuse, when the ex that you are forced to co-parent with is a narcissist. If you don’t know my full story yet, I endured what I call a “Salem Witch Trial” trial in Family Court. That type and extent of narcissistic abuse not only left an impact on me but on others who watched the tragedy unfold in my small town. Just like that famous town’s dark history left a scar on humanity’s history and would be remembered for all time—I, too, endured and lived to tell the tale of the fear, paranoia, and a mother-blaming witch hunt. We can learn a lot from history—especially our own.
Key to Healing: Your healing is a very personal, sacred experience. Protect your vulnerable self while healing.
Set New Personal Vows
One thing is for sure: the narcissist rents a lot of prime space in our minds, and we need to evict them for our sanity! Make it a fundamental principle that you no longer obsess or focus on the narcissist for the remainder of your days. I encourage you to make/write/say a personal vow that you will start living your life focused on making the best of a bad situation. Vow that you will start making healthy choices that give you peace of mind. Vow that you will focus on yourself and make self-care your full-time job. One healthy choice is to heal from what you have gone through rather than to run from it or try to escape it. You have a next life to live. If you have made it out of the relationship alive, you have your life and freedom. Now, you need freedom from the narcissist’s unhealthy influence and past damage done. The truth is…we can’t heal while being entirely focused on the narcissist. We must focus on ourselves. We need our own attention. This is about cleaning up our present emotional and mental state and making a better future. This is about us. Our healing. Us. Self-care is not selfish, it’s necessary. (Read my full “Disclaimer” below*)
Key to Healing: Focus on yourself, not the narcissist. You matter more!
One thing is for sure… It’s hard to heal from narcissistic abuse when you are still under attack by the narcissist in any post-separation abuse or abuse by proxy. I found it also difficult to heal while my child was being actively abused (or held hostage) by the narcissist. So, be realistic and know what might limit your healing abilities in any given season. I encourage you to heal as much as you possibly can. Don’t aim for perfection or set yourself up to be mentally hard on yourself for not completely healing from the narcissist’s harm. There’s no room for perfectionistic thinking when being human. Please don’t have an ‘all-or-nothing’ approach to healing. It’s good to be 10% healed than 0%. Be willing to do it in stages and increments. Even more so, be willing to do your healing a little at a time so to not overwhelm your system. You will need to heal at the mind, body, spirit, and soul levels. It will take time for your transformation—for spinning life’s straw into gold. It will take effort and time to turn your woe into wisdom.
NOTE: If I repeat myself, then it’s important. Repetition is a key to learning.
Let me ask you, when it comes to your past involvement and relationship with the narcissist: Can you forgive yourself? It will take time to forgive yourself for any self-harm which is often associated with narcissistic abuse. When victims abandon themselves (and their needs and truth) under stress and coercion to appease the abuser, they unwillingly (often unknowingly) self-abuse. Forgiving ourselves in 1% increments is a way to approach this worthwhile task. When we aren’t mad at ourselves, we don’t beat ourselves up. Self-forgiveness is a path to healing.
Key to Healing: Learn to make the best out of a bad situation. Get this skill. Remember: The lotus flower comes up out of the mud: just like the book title says, “No mud. No Lotus.”
Side-Note: To mothers forced to co-parent with a narcissist because the Family Courts require you to, I don’t recommend attempting to heal your relationship with the narcissist directly with the narcissist (for co-parenting purposes) until you have healed the basic relationship with yourself—first. Yes. I teach about healing this co-parenting dilemma for our sake and our children using my “Skillful Means Method.” But, first things first! You have to get right with yourself. Are you able to validate your own reality? (So the narcissist can’t throw you into confusion.) Can you set limits and boundaries easily with others? (So the narcissist can’t infiltrate your life and destroy more things.) Are you skeptical of anything someone tells you? Do you know how to spot a liar? (So the narcissist can’t lie to you anymore and trick you.) Do you trust yourself? Do you trust your own instincts? Do you know how to feel and follow a gut feeling? (So the narcissist can’t make you doubt yourself or question your sanity.) Can you identify when you are being abused or manipulated? (So the narcissist can’t abuse you passive aggressively or covertly.) Do you fully rely on yourself now? Have you created or found your own support resources? (So the narcissist can’t make you homeless or destitute.) Do you love yourself? Do you practice self-care daily? Do you respect yourself? Do you practice self-preservation at all times? Can you make good, healthy decisions on your own behalf? (So the narcissist can’t withhold approval and you try to work to win his favor.) Do you see your worth and value as a person and a parent? (So the narcissist can’t convince you that you don’t have the right to exist or that you are a bad parent.) These are some things that need to be addressed before attempting to reconcile with another person (especially a toxic, abusive one). Many of us are really mad at ourselves for past choices, errors in judgment, and mistakes. At some level, we knew better! So, reconciling with ourselves first is important. It’s for self-protection. Some say we shouldn’t attempt to reconcile with an abuser. In many cases, they are right. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest of my ideas on the table. Not all things will apply to all cases- especially those involving seriously dangerous narcissists. In those cases, seek DV and crisis help- as needed.
To learn more about how I systematically stopped what I call Co-Parenting Abuse, read my blog: 5 Factors That Made The Narcissist Stop!
Want to read all 25+ of my Keys?
BUY MY FULL HEALING GUIDE HERE!
(FREE Breaking Trauma-Bond video included!)
xo- Grace W. Wroldson (Author & Coach)
*Disclaimer: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary where some of these will not be applicable for your circumstance. Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when watching this video or reading this document. This is for personal Self-Help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any laws or rules of the courts. This is copyright-protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.
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