THINK: Custody Case Preservation When Dealing with a Narcissist!

By Grace Wroldson, author of Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means

If we are co-parenting with a narcissist, or in a custody battle with a narcissist (or might be), we need to safeguard our personal information—and more. We have to protect our minds, bodies, spirits, souls, parenting rights, custody cases, and precious energy. My lawyer advised me to be careful in my communication with (and to) the narcissist—and for good reasons! *Please read my disclaimer below because all cases are different.

Losing and Winning Custody to a Narcissist

I was in a custody battle with my narcissistic ex for 12 years over our only child. In the U.S. Family Court, I won some protections and lost others along the way. At one point, with my second lawyer, I lost all my legal rights to our child by being outmaneuvered—legally. However, with my third lawyer and a new strategy (using what I call The Skillful-Means Strategy), I was able to win back my rights and eventually negotiate with the narcissist. I started gaining cooperation, stopped being attacked, and attained peace for myself and our child. I call this the 3rd “Middle Way.” Our child benefited from my new approach and had her whole life returned to her, including her original school, activities, and therapist. (All things the narcissist stripped from her when he won sole legal rights.) This effort took tons of hours of research, expert opinions/guidance, personal coaching, therapy, my healing, change in thoughts, years of planning, and support strategizing. It also took learning, healing, and growing through it. Where the family court failed us, I learned some advanced, higher-level skills from masters who taught about and promoted peace. We barely survived in that war zone but were able to thrive when we reached a place of peace.

Navigating Around a Narcissistic Ex

If you are in your own battle with a narcissist, the key is to use wisdom and support as you try to navigate around the narcissist. Going through the difficulties, I found it best to share with a safe support person what I really want to say to the narcissist and then use the “Customer Service Skill” to give neutralizing responses to the unsafe narcissist. By regularly venting and speaking my truth, I was able to discharge my anger and upset, so that I could get out of the emotional side of my brain and into the logical side. Science has proven to us (via high-tech, functional MRI scans) that we can’t use both sides of our brains simultaneously. I witnessed that when I was emotional, I was less effective when dealing with my lawyer, ex, child, and in court, trying to plead with the judge. My lawyer often reminded me that the more “reasonable” party wins. So, I had to make sure I was using common sense and a legal/judicial perspective—even if it wasn’t my own when making decisions. I learned to temper myself to care about what our judge cared about to survive and not lose my child to the system. Now, as a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Expert, who has dealt with a narcissist for almost 30 years and who has helped other women (and mothers) in battles with narcissists for over a decade, I have discovered that small amounts, short, systematic, strategic, and planned communication is best. (What’s even better? If our lawyer reads our crafted responses first and approves!)

Here are just some of the dangers if we text the narcissist too much:

1. We end up with blurred boundaries with a boundary-crosser.
2. We mistakenly invite the narcissist into a conversation and give him narcissistic supply in the form of attention.
3. We accidentally get closer to the toxic person, and they become part of our day/week/month/year/life.
4. We tend to get re-triggered and retraumatized by new subtle forms of narcissistic abuse, like coercive control, post-separation abuse (or what I call “co-parenting abuse”).
5. We inadvertently allow the narcissist to gather info, details, data, dirt, intel on us (to possibly use against us later, with a spin or a twist of the facts). NOTE: I have seen that narcissists will attack people when their perceived opponent is vulnerable. Please don’t under-estimate the narcissist!
6. We appear weak when we over-explain, defend, or justify. (Sometimes silence is stronger!) Narcissists love to see people mentally and emotionally unravel, then expend their energy on defending an attack or tactic. (They know they have control over the person when they see a strong reaction.)

Less is More When Communicating with a Narcissist

It’s a tough task; dealing with a personality-disordered person who steps on toes and can lead a person off a “cliff of confusion” in a conversation. This is why not engaging or talking is often the best route to attaining personal peace when required to deal with a narcissist. I have a Grey-Walling Method that helps set a visual for how we have to generate a force field of solid protection. I have moms who follow my work, learn about my “Castle & Curtain Method” of self-protection and self-preservation. Just keep in mind that castles were built for thousands of years for a reason!

Here are just some of the tactics of a narcissist in a conversation:

-Lying

-Pretending to know something

-Word salad (just lots of complicated words thrown around to confuse)

-Circular conversation (going back to saying the same things with no logical path)

-Going off topic

-Blame-shifting (w/ mother-blaming)

-False Accusations

-Shaming statements

-Guilt-trips

NOTE: Oftentimes, the narcissist takes things the wrong way. I began to notice that the narcissist would take things personally even if I was talking about something else entirely. This was a learning experience for me, where I learned that narcissists are ego-centric and tend to make things all about them. Even more so, as a coercive-control tactic, the narcissist was determined to misunderstand me! Therefore, much of our communication can be futile and worse–fuel. NOTE: Always remember that any and all information can and may probably be used against you (or twisted).

Alternative Approaches Can Lead to Anguish with a Narcissist

However, in some cases, sometimes moms realize that the only way to “keep an eye” on the kids is to lend a listening ear—to hear what comes out of the narcissist’s mouth by letting the narcissist boast, brag, complain, share, and talk about himself. It takes real fortitude to be able to listen and act like we don’t care (or do care), as a narcissist often talks about child abuse and neglect done on his parenting-time. Sometimes, a cold and calculating narcissist tries to see what buttons he can push in us with his stories of being a terrific, wonderful, exceptional “dad.” When moms go the listening route, as the narcissist often shares what he has done to their innocent, vulnerable children, they naturally react inside and want to rush to fix, save, stop, and rescue. But, generally, from an emotional jumping-off point, we moms tend to do damage to our custody cases by being naturally protective. I tell moms that it’s normal to react to abnormal—as a way to give them validation that the narcissist is the crazy one. However, what we must do is prepare ourselves to know ahead of time (by doing our own research) that the narcissist will do awful things and not do things he should. This way, we are not so surprised into a strong, surprised, sudden, untamable reaction. (NOTE: If there is severe child abuse or neglect, please contact your lawyer and see if calling Child Protective Services (CPS) is right for your case. I am talking about minor things that judges think are no big deal. In my case, my many calls to CPS went against me at my 5-day custody trial in 2020.)

When We Say Too Much to the Narcissist

Sometimes over-caring leads us to mistakenly over-sharing to a narcissist. We want the best for our children, and as a co-parent, we tend to forget who we are talking to when communicating. We can mistakenly project our own loving selves out and think that a narcissist wants the best for the kids, too, forgetting that narcissists want what is best for themselves. What I have seen is that we moms tend to share with the narcissist lots of details so that he hopefully gets the importance of things. But, this often can make the narcissist more uninterested and just tune us moms (and our unsolicited guidance) out. What I have learned through trial and error and reading books from the experts is that there are skillful ways to communicate with a narcissist. It takes understanding of what is important to the narcissist, and targeting that in communications—plus having lots of self-restraint.

How-To Communicate With A Narcissist Using Skillful Means

Going forward, to make life easier on us moms (and our kids), we want communication that is limited, specific, and strategic. For example, we want to follow the court order (even if the narcissist doesn’t). In my case, to not be accused of parental alienation, PA I invited the narcissist to all the child’s events and informed him of all school and medical information for seven straight years while he acted uninterested. He ignored me in his stone-walling-way and gave me silent treatment (a narcissist’s ignore tactic). But he was unable to use false PA claims in our custody battle to win sole custody.

A word of caution… Some moms take this too far when they hear about false parental alienation claims, tending to win narcissists’ sole custody. In a rush, without legal guidance or a strategy, they contact the narcissist and invite the abuser back into their lives and the child’s life—out of fear—thinking they are “safeguarding” their custody case. Sometimes, this backfires and shows a judge the mom wants the abuser to have contact with the child. This is why a complete and careful strategy has to be established with a vetted lawyer (who knows the details of your case) because our actions have to align with our lawyer’s ultimate game plan and message to the judge. We can’t have it both ways if we want a strong argument for child-protection. It tends to get called out in court by the other side’s lawyer or the judge. For example, it doesn’t make sense to ask for supervised visits when giving unsupervised time freely to a narcissist…. Unless there is a new police report, current CPS findings, etc. If you need legal guidance, please see my Get The Right Lawyer Guide and my “20-Question Attorney Interview Worksheet” to prepare for legal consultations.

Stop Being the Narcissist’s Target of Blame

Communication with the narcissist isn’t simple when we are the targets of blame. Which is why I encourage moms to change their view and stance (if they are required to co-parent with a narcissistic ex). Post-separation abuse is real and can be worse for victims of narcissistic abuse when we get out of the relationship (it was for me!) I tell moms that abusers abuse and to steer clear. (Learn what DARVO is) What I have witnessed is that when moms stand up to their bullies because they are no longer together and found their voice, I have seen all kinds of retaliation tactics on moms and the kids, even if moms win that moment. Everything from child support payments stopping completely, to children not being returned, to children being told lies about the mom, and having their kids’ minds turned against the loving, innocent mom. We must watch out for the dangers of dealing with a narcissist.

One big danger lies in telling a narcissist too much and having them mentally “chew on it” and spit it back out on us as an attack. Narcissists don’t process information like most people do. They see information as another possible weapon and take it as ammunition. Typically, they are fighters and enjoy fighting—whether it is physical or verbal. They can use information for terrible purposes (to cause pain), to shame victims, and to accuse people. They have distorted thinking along with expert-level manipulative abilities. Narcissists can take one piece of information and completely change the narrative and facts to make it sound the opposite. They can use information to harm others, threaten, and blackmail. Some narcissists keep a storehouse of secrets on a person to use against them later in an argument. That’s why they often initially show so much interest in hearing personal stories and usually love to keep an open ear to gossip.

I found it a sad fact that what matters to us moms doesn’t matter to the narcissist (or most judges who see dozens of high-conflict cases and go numb). When I help moms, I instruct them to imagine that a judge was reading what they wrote to the narcissist—as a self-check. 

Do: Check your replies and responses to the narcissist. Be open-minded to editing what you write, revising and shortening it—to get right to the point. We may have to ask for help from our lawyers when responding. I used several support people to help me check my replies.

Check: Does your communication via text, emails, and messages come across as:

• Micromanaging
• Complaining
• Nagging
• Policing the other parent
• Overstepping your parenting time
• Full of hatred or bitterness
• Full of fears for your child/children and/or overly worried
• Full of pain from the relationship ending or claims that he isn’t a good father
• Full of guilt (Are you justifying, defending, and over-explaining?)
• A cry for help to the wrong person?

In terms of dealing with text messages, emails, and a co-parenting app, I found it best, in my case with the narcissist to:

• Keep all communication in writing.
• Keep all communication simple.
• Keep it short.
• Keep it on topic.
• Keep it kind.
• Refute all lies, false accusations/allegations in one sentence.
• Title and label all communication to find it more easily later
• Imagine a judge reading my words at my custody hearing or trial.

KEY: I followed the court order for communication (even if the narcissist didn’t).

When the narcissist was granted unsupervised visitation, I kept the text option open—even though he was an abusive person. I did this just in case there was an emergency involving our child. (This was growth for me. Giving the narcissist my new number was hard to do after my last and final stand not to be cheated on or marry a drunk. This was after changing my number about 4-5 times over the 15-year on-and-off-again relationship to avoid his love-bombing and his narcissistic hoover. To be able to do this took many self-rules and a changed me. I had to not be the vulnerable, love-sick, heart-broken, caring woman on the other end of that phone for my own self-preservation!)

Strong suggestion when communicating in writing to the narcissist:

• Imagine the judge is hearing it read aloud by your ex’s lawyer, and it’s his 5th high-conflict case of the day.
• Imagine the judge is reading it after hearing all the testimony of a trial.

Another helpful tool I used from the recovery programs is a slogan that can be said to ourselves to check ourselves, ask, “How important is it?”

There is such a thing as making a mountain out of a molehill. Often, it’s a trauma response to our anxiety, fear, pain, and worry. We can catch ourselves and find a support person to help us cool and calm. It often benefits moms not to be lumped in as part of the high conflict. When moms can learn to be cool, calm, and collected, they tend to appear better to all the professionals on the custody case. When moms demonstrate maturity and flexibility, it can also help them. If there is a way to be more easy-going, laid back, and adaptable—I encourage moms to take this stance as it often helps them, the kids, and their case. (*Some situations vary)

When We Think Too Much About the Narcissist

Too much thinking about the narcissist can be damaging. If you have found yourself thinking about the narcissist too much, keep in mind that he is your ex for a reason! Remember to use my 3-D Approach and discuss, document, detach. Often in our past relationship with a narcissist, we revolved around them. It was all about them. They made it about them. We made it about them. But now, it’s about our healing, our kids, and our lives. Now, it’s about our child’s one-and-only childhood and being the best mom we can be. Now it isn’t about the narcissist.

I hope this helped. May you learn, heal, & outgrow the narcissist!

Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or licensed professional. I’m not an attorney. This is not legal or therapeutic advice. I am like you, a mom-survivor. I share opinions, personal research, and hope for a better future. My articles, books, and free videos, which I make, are for awareness/educational purposes only—not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional, attorney, or other qualified provider for your custody case. Each custody case and family situation is different and needs a tailored approach (with strategies) that are specific to the issues you face and even the phase you are in when dealing with a narcissistic ex. I encourage you to establish a system of strong support. Getting help is a sign of strength—not weakness.

If you are ready to learn, I am ready to teach! As an author, I offer my tips, tools, strategies, successes, and failures—as stories for you to glean wisdom from, reflect on, and hopefully learn from. I aim to be a light in the darkness of this dilemma. I write for moms who are forced to co-parent with narcissists and stuck in high-conflict, custody battles. If this is you, you are not alone.

My personal mission is to help loving, caring, motivated mothers who are forced to co-parent with a narcissist maintain their sanity, save their custody cases, and enjoy their children’s one-and-only childhood. We want to watch our children thrive!

My books can validate what you may be experiencing, and give you creative ways to improve your co-parenting conditions. I include all my tips, tools, and strategies for moms (or any protective parent) to grab onto in my books.

You see… There are healthy attitudes to adopt, mindsets to make solid, sanity to hold onto, as well as, beneficial perspectives to take that can really help us endure this dilemma and survive a custody battle. You can learn to use what I call “skillful-means” and other strategies to navigate and neutralize the narcissist. (Find my video program!)

Learn all that you can because knowledge is power. Be prepared. My goal is to leave you with tidbits of wisdom with lots of encouragement. Know that you can endure and be resilient. Believe in yourself. Remember to learn the valuable lessons in this and come out smarter and stronger than before!

Hang on and have hope!

Learn all you can from my “survivor-wisdom.”

I always suggest that readers read or listen to my book series in the order written for a full understanding of my transformation and journey. I encourage you to learn my “Skillful-Means Method” and my “Grey-Walling Techniques.”

Pick up…

Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane

Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win

Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide

Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent

Book 5: (NEW) Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means

Book 6: (NEWEST) Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War & a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: So You Can Heal and Be Able to Help Your Child

Available at Amazon

Please support me as a self-published author! (I appreciate it!)

*I am not a lawyer but a mom-surthrivor. The only legal advice I give is: to get legal advice. My words of wisdom, tips, and insights are based on my thoughts, experiences, and opinions only and not from any court. My story may differ from yours, so please take what is helpful and leave the rest. My books, videos, and webinars are not a proper tool for any needed therapy or legal support. I am not a mental health professional. So, if you need therapeutic support, please call your local support agencies to get a licensed professional to help you—who is safe and confidential. Better yet, get a narcissistic recovery expert. You can use my Get The Right Lawyer Guide to have a tool for finding legal representation and knowing your rights.

Don’t have a lawyer?

Go in prepared! Use my 20-Question Attorney-Interview Worksheet in my guide to interview potential attorneys. Get your burning questions answered by lawyers and maximize your legal consultations. Go into these interviews with a short, specific list and know what to ask. Certain things matter in your child support and custody case. The reality is that quite often, our custody case is ONLY as good as our attorney! Be smart about this. I encourage you to be 1. organized, 2. strategic, and 3. fully-prepared.

How-To Get the Right Lawyer When Dealing With A Narcissist