Are you trying to co-parent with a narcissist?

Is it always unfair to you and the children?

You are not alone!

Please watch my free 15-minute YouTube video with helpful ways to cope and deal.

Watch the video above for all 10 tips, and my bonus #11!

10 Ways to Handle Unfairness W/ A NARCISSIST?

1. Give yourself fairness!
(don’t wait and require it from the narcissist himself, the judge, or the courts)
DO: Be extra good to yourself. Q: How can you be really good to yourself?

2. Accept reality. (a practice of non-resistance) Accept that it’s not fair. (Sadly, unfortunately, life isn’t fair to everyone, and no one said it would be.) Sur-Thriver Tip: Don’t add to your suffering by suffering over your suffering.

3. Get an understanding of your situation and of narcissists.
When you realize you are dealing with a personality DISordered person, your expectations can lower, change, or be eliminated. By doing this, by taking control of our mind and expectations, we create less resentments and bitterness.

4. Know that this UNFAIRNESS is NOT the end of your story!

5. Shift focus. Realize who this ultimately is not fair to (the child/children). Stay away from falling into a pit of self-pity. Stay away from the edge of the pit of self-pity, or climb up out of the hole and use self-awareness to vow to recognize when you get too close to the edge. Use self-compassion for healing instead of giving in to self-pity. As my mentor says, we can’t be pitiful and powerful at the same time!

6. Label it. Name it. Vent. Share. Have a “holy witness.” Purge the pain.
Frame it. Tell your story. Verbalize. Articulate it. What are you feeling? (Your feelings matter. Honor them.)
Was there a boundary crossed or boundary violation? Cultivate your voice! Become strong, powerful, and able to speak up.

7. Actively heal your past wounds.
(unhealed, unresolved past wounds unrelated to the narcissist (like from our childhood pain, can become BIG triggers today)
Know this fact: We tend to cry for more than the issue or grief at hand.
Ask yourself:

• Are you accumulating grief?
• Where might you go for healing, comfort, and processing?

8. Do an “invisible act of power.”
Anonymously gift or bless someone in the name of the unfairness you just suffered. This is how we turn life’s straw into gold. This is true transformation.

9. Try Gratitude. Make a list of all you are thankful for to shift out. (Get a higher perspective with gratitude.) How might you thank this unfairness?

10. Ask yourself a powerful question like:

• How might you handle unfairness more gracefully?
• How might you use this unfairness to motivate you for good?
• How might this unfairness help others?

11. Stay out of unfair fights or situations with an unfair person such as a personality-disordered narcissist. Be wise. Wisdom is knowledge plus experience. So, use wisdom, lead with love. Mine each lesson learned for wisdom, insights, and blessings.

Have you learned a lesson? (Write the lessons you have learned down (solidify the wisdom) in a private journal.)

Please enjoy this FREE excerpt below from my next book for moms.

Tip 1: Build a Support Network

If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, do you have support people in place? As you may well know… narcissists are not helpful co-parents. Actually, narcissists tend to create so many problems that much of our attention can mistakenly go to them and not the child/children who need us!

Tip: Don’t allow yourself to be at a double disadvantage!

If you are in a custody battle with a narcissist and trying to go it alone, you may be putting yourself at an additional disadvantage. Take your power back! You have the right to get support. Despite what the narcissist may think or say, it’s a sign of strength to ask for help. It’s one thing to be attempting to co-parent with a personality-disordered narcissist, but then to have to deal with his disrespect, insanity, uncooperative/competitive/disregarding nature along with the backwards/incompetent/ill-equipped family courts, is hard for the best of us on a good day. We can get triggered into so many unhelpful-to-our-custody-case-reactions, like if we see our children being narcissistically abused or neglected by a selfish narcissist, and feel powerless to stop it. 

Besides the nasty narcissist, there are other problems to navigate too. We often have to navigate greedy lawyers, exhausting family court procedures, and biased/often-ignorant judge’s – as well as our overwhelming fears and anxieties. This means we will need specific support on all fronts.

Why a team? When I was going through my lengthy, costly, high-conflict custody battle, I was emotionally exhausted. I also burned out many of my supporters who took my frantic calls of bad news from the front line of the family court war. I learned that I needed a few people and couldn’t rely on one person. I learned that they, too get triggered hearing unfairness, injustice, and about child abuse. The fact is we do better with support. But, we need to vet our supporters and ensure that they don’t negatively influence us the wrong way. Why do I caution you here? Well, because when I was pregnant with an alcoholic’s child (my ex), a woman who told me she had worked as a paralegal for 20 years in our family court said that the father would only get limited supervised visits and not to worry. Well, she couldn’t have been more wrong. She hadn’t worked in the courts since the fathers’ rights movement, and her story wasn’t exact to mine. My ex had no DUIs, no OUIs, and an enabling wealthy family. To my horror, our child was buckled into the drunk driver’s truck for unsupervised parenting time, for which my child and I suffered multiple offences, including the awful stress. So, be careful who you listen to. 

Here are some things to watch out for when picking a support team.

• Overly critical, opinionated of you or your custody case
• Gives direct advice and they are not your lawyer
• Gets too involved when you just call to share, vent, or complain
• Thinks they know what’s best (a know-it-all all)
• Not familiar with the state’s best interest factors, or doesn’t know your judge
• Has never been through it 
• Has been through it, but their case has different, differentiating details
• Doesn’t care or gets angry when you voice your concerns (tells you that you are overreacting)
• Lacks compassion, knowledge or wisdom
• Pushes a religion or agenda of their own 
• Makes you feel ashamed of your situation

If you are loaded with feelings of failure and shame, I encourage you to gently, gradually, and with a ton of self-compassion (for all that you have been through and all you have to face) dig those feelings up and process them with a loving, compassionate, confidential, skilled therapist and/or join a support group so that you can see that you are not alone. If you have other blocks to reaching out for support and getting a strategy partner, list them. In the light of self-awareness we have a chance to change. Awareness is the first step. NOTE: If your therapy notes could get subpoenaed in your custody case and used against you, maybe find a life-coach who is not local to your area that specializes in narcissistic abuse or custody battles.

Some self-reflection questions:

• What is stopping you from seeking support? 
• What prevents you from asking for help?

If we are co-parenting with a narcissist and/or in a custody battle with a narcissistic ex (and maybe his narcissist-lawyer too), we need a united approach with a team of supporters. NOTE: Desperate social media posts and anonymous venting is not enough to strategize strategically to change or stop things. We often need different perspectives from trained counselors who treat trauma victims and can help us over time to shift our thinking and offer us tools based on our unique circumstances and details of our cases.

We must know our limits in terms of energy and skills. As loving, protective moms, we are smart and capable, but from my experience (12 years in family court), battling a narcissist requires a team of safe, supportive mentors and advisors.

FACT: Dealing with a narcissistic co-parent and their lawyers, manipulations, created chaos, lies, flying monkeys, and minions is emotionally exhausting.

Here are some of my “Top Tips” for moms who want to work with wisdom and transform hostile co-parenting situations and custody battles into livable, tolerable, and better conditions. These strategies can help you establish peace and protection when dealing with a narcissist.

Tip: We Must Build Our Emotional Support Team

Q: Are you constantly triggered by the narcissist?

NOTE: When we are traumatized, we don’t think clearly, logically, or rationally.

Emotions are our energy in motion. For ourselves and for our children, we must conserve our energy to be the best moms we can be! So . . .

Do: Gather a “Team of 10”

• Gather supporters to keep you emotionally standing and encouraged
• Get courage through connection (find others who have survived)
• Find experts on narcissists and family court. Learn all you can.
• Carve out time to read. study, self-reflect, rest & strategize
• Make alliances. Ask for help.

Do: Be Smart, Seek Help

Smart-Suggestions:

Be proactive. Get a “Team of 10” wise elders to help you navigate custody battles and any fallout.

Find a recovery program and stick with it to give you a foundation to build better habits and learn skills for dealing with conflict. (Al-Anon, CODA, and ACOA are great free 12-Step Programs.)

Hang on and have hope. I work with moms in 1:1 strategy sessions to develop sustainable strategies. I teach two key methods/strategies:

Skillful-Means

Grey-Walling (also called my “Castle & Curtain Method”)

Tip: The narcissist might ruin things, but don’t let him completely destroy you!

I urge you to get support to stay strong. Please look for safe support where it is confidential, loving, and helpful. Be sure to hand-pick your supporters as they can influence us in our choices. We have to really resonate with them and can’t have people with opinions that try to steer us one way or another. We need open-minded, wise people who can listen and offer ideas, tools, suggestions, guidance, and love. 

If you are still in heavy grief over a break-up, divorce, or loss in family court, I pray that you process whatever failures you have faced with self-compassion and others who can extend much-needed compassion to you. Please know that you are not alone in your grief. Have you tried grief counseling? Have you listed and reflected on all the losses due to involvement with the narcissist? Have you given yourself time to cry? Have you been able to journal, write those chapters, and close them, so you can start a new chapter? How might you symbolically release the grief or losses? While I don’t have the answers for how you will do your healing or grief work, I do want to urge you to get through this time. Why? Because there are vulnerable children who need us emotionally. To be emotionally present for them, we need to be emotionally supported ourselves. We need to be centered in love and wisdom. The positive change begins with us. We have to balance out our, own negative thinking and our lives which can get off-center when dealing with a personality disordered person. Furthermore, we need to take back our power and see our choices. For example, allowing ourselves to stay stuck in being a victim or in a failure, does not show our precious children skills/tools they need for life. We can be a source of inspiration for them and demonstrate skills like; resilience, endurance, perseverance and love. The way we live our lives influences our children both directly and indirectly. Think about how you want to make an impression on your child/children.

Tip: Dealing with a Narcissist? Get a Safe Person to Vent To

For mental health purposes, I encourage you to find regular, confidential support to share your story of injustice, pain, and betrayal. When dealing with a narcissist’s high-conflict drama, you will need someone to regularly vent to—otherwise, anger and resentment will pile up, leading to emotional reactions that only fuel the narcissist. I often call this person a “holy witness to my holy moly mess!” 

Do: Be proactive and smart. Find a safe, professional person or two.

TIP: Lawyers are expensive, so instead use a strategy when approaching your lawyer like; avoid bringing them all your emotions. Instead, present them with problems and “BIG Asks” from the judge (solutions).

Even better, bring your lawyer a list of what you need to be successful as a parent in a tough and terrible co-parenting situation. Focus on your wants. Number them. Prioritize them. Be ready to ask for things. (Use my 20-Wants List Guide)

The 20-Want List: A Powerful Tool! 

(For Dealing with Narcissists in Negotiations & Custody Battles)

Are you in a high-conflict custody battle with a narcissist?
Or… required, by family court, to “co-parent” with a narcissist?

Here is my shared SUR-THRIVER WISDOM:
ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS…

How might YOU make a BAD situation a bit better when co-parenting with a NARCISSIST?
Focus on this question above. Refrain from asking questions that lead to frustration like: how to teach the narcissist a lesson, or how to get a narcissist to do something you want.
I know the narcissist lies, hides, cheats, and steals everything from our energy to our children with manipulation tactics but…
The BOTTOM LINE is:
The change can begin with us. (And our children need us.)
Suggestion: Read my entire story of losing custody of my only child in family court to my ex (a narcissist), then winning my rights back and ultimately negotiating with a narcissist using strategy, methods, and skillful means. Today she thrives! (and that’s what matters most to me as her mom)
My books are in order from 1-5 below. (READ in order.)

READ. LEARN. REFLECT. HEAL. & OUTGROW THE NARCISSIST
Use wisdom. Lead with love.

-Grace W. Wroldson
(SurThriver, Author, Coach, & Strategist)

Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win
Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
Book 5: (NEW) Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means

LINK: https://a.co/d/a1hBkGc

“Hi,” Welcome to my work. I’m a self-published author, Grace Wroldson, here to help you to:
*Stop losing
*Stop stressing
*Start strategizing
*Learn to navigate

I am here to tell you (because I have done this) that you can make a bad situation better for yourself and your children.
If you are ready and WILLING to learn, I am here to teach!
I personally know how challenging and awful this can be. I am the author of several self-help books.

KEY: Learn to navigate around the narcissist! This means skillfully, wisely, and purposefully. Thinking both short-term and long-term using common sense, logic, understanding, and knowledge of narcissists!

The peace and cooperation that I (we) enjoy today, I want your family to enjoy. I used skillful means, and there was less of a battle and less stress!

Basically, it comes down to doing these 3 KEY things:
1. Navigating the complex, inadequate family court system
2. Navigating the nasty narcissist
3. Navigating your fears and trauma

I write for moms forced to co-parent with narcissists and stuck in high-conflict custody battles so they don’t have to feel so alone, can be validated in what they are experiencing, and improve their co-parenting conditions.
May you…
Read, watch, and learn all that you can!
Knowledge is power. Take your power back.
Grace Wroldson

Watch my VIDEO course to get started with positive change. Designed for moms.

Navigate Around the Narcissist VIDEO Course

*Disclaimer: These are helpful tips based solely on the author’s thoughts and opinions. The author is not a qualified mental health professional nor a crisis caseworker. She cannot give legal advice or appropriate counsel and is therefore not liable for any injury or harm. Please follow your doctor’s, therapist’s, counselor’s, and lawyer’s advice, as well as your own good common sense and intuition based on your unique case—to see if these tips could be helpful. Child custody situations may vary where some of these will not be applicable to your circumstances. Furthermore, court orders may dictate otherwise. Please use your own good judgment when reviewing this document. This is for personal Self-Help only. These were created from the author’s own lived experience and not based on any laws or rules of the courts. This is copyright-protected by the author and is not to be sold, distributed, or quoted without the author’s written consent.

For 1:1 support or strategy calls with Grace, please check the website. Www.GraceWroldson.com

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