Are you in a custody battle with a narcissist?
By Grace Wroldson, author of,
Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win
Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
Book 5: Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means
Book 6: (NEW) Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War & a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: So You Can Heal and Be Able to Help Your Child
Winner’s Backlash & Boundary Backlash
In another video and article, I talk about something I call “winner’s backlash.” If you’re familiar with “boundary backlash,” as a recovering codependent finally setting boundaries with disordered takers, this idea is a similar phenomenon. Generally, when we set a boundary with an abusive person who does not respect boundaries, we’ll often see backlash because they experience our new, implemented boundaries as a loss of control. Backlash can be everything from rage to violence, to passive-aggressive, targeted actions on victims. Narcissists can get nasty and do more than just lie and manipulate. These folk often lack a conscience, so we must be careful!
Often, when we moms “win” a round in family court against a narcissist, we later lose. I have seen all kinds of losses after a supposed win in family court—not just legal fees.
If we treat family court like a win-lose battlefield and we “win,” we often trigger a narcissist’s deepest fears, wounds, and defenses. This can inadvertently unleash a new wave of abuse.
That’s why I wrote my books, so you can see how I went from losing to winning, and eventually to peace and goodwill with my ex. I suggest reading them in order so you understand my story and progression.
- Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: Seven Self-Rules to Stay Sane
- How to Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win
- How to Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist
- Tame the Narcissist: Ten Keys for Better Co-Parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy and Skillful Means
- Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War and the Custody Battle with a Narcissist
Many narcissists don’t truly co-parent. It’s true that you tend to end up parallel parenting, or they counter-parent you, or “opposite-parent” you. But there is a third, middle way—and that’s what I teach now. If you want an alternative approach, keep reading.
A Quick but Important Disclaimer
What I’m sharing here is not legal advice. Always run anything you want to try past your lawyer and make sure it fits into your overall legal strategy.
These ideas are based on:
- My own lived experience
- My 12-year family court battle
- My observations from coaching other moms
My words, ideas, and opinions are not the rules of the courts, and they’re not a proven therapeutic model that’s been scientifically tested when dealing with a narcissist. This is survivor wisdom. Please: Take what’s helpful and leave the rest.
If you’re willing to learn, do the self-work, and be the change you want to see, I’m here to teach, coach, and mentor.
My Story: From Losing Everything to Co-Creating Peace
My background includes loving and leaving an alcoholic, recovering from codependency, and then spending 12 years in a family-court battle.
In 2020, I shockingly (and upsettingly) lost all my legal rights and 50% of my parenting time to my narcissistic ex, who had the better lawyer. It was so bizarre since our child transfers had to happen at the YMCA because of my ex’s hostility during exchanges. But he out-lawyered me, used lies, and employed every narcissistic tactic in the book, including retaining the best narcissistic lawyer who dragged me through years of legal abuse.
In one of my books, I list out the narcissistic tactics, because one of the keys I teach moms is:
“If you can label it, you take away some of its power to emotionally destabilize you.”
I teach how, in Documenting Strategically, you can even number the lies and tactics. That way, if a professional gets involved down the road, you can calmly and clearly present what’s been happening instead of being overwhelmed in the moment. This shows a pattern of behavior and can be very validating.
After my loss, I found a different lawyer and slowly chipped away at my case to regain my rights and hold the narcissist accountable. I was the disadvantaged, single, low-income mom with a child with special needs, so I had to really search for a lawyer who would take my case.
At some point, I woke up and realized: this war could go on forever.
That’s when I started using what I call “skillful means” along with other high-level tools that required me to:
- Heal on the inside
- Accept reality as it was
- Let go of black-and-white, win/lose thinking
I often tell moms that: knowledge is power. If you’re willing to learn the lessons, you can learn, heal, change, and outgrow the narcissist!
Why the Word “Win” Can Be Dangerous
One of my early books is titled How to Fight a Narcissist in Family Court and Win. That word “win” is exactly what I want to focus on and explain how it can be the main problem.
Back then, I kept telling myself:
- “I’m losing to my abusive ex!”
- “My child is losing to her father.”
That win-lose mindset is very black and white, and it drained my energy. It kept me stuck emotionally because everything was framed as winning or losing instead of protecting, stabilizing, and creating peace.
Now, I steer moms away from win-lose thinking, like:
- “Beat the narcissist.”
- “Destroy the narcissist.”
- “Annihilate him in court.”
If we want peace, goodwill, and any chance at cooperation—and if we want to keep our child out of a war zone—we have to step out of that framework.
Nowadays, the only time I use the word “win” is in the phrase “win-win” while employing skillful means with the narcissist.
For example, I might say:
“This sounds like a win-win. What do you think?”
That type of communication is a skillful, non-threatening way to talk about solutions with a narcissist. It helps neutralize, de-escalate, and disarm. Asking vs. telling can be key when dealing with a personality-disordered person who wants to always be right.
I now teach moms to stop being the target of blame and to use language and strategies that cool things down rather than escalate them. We have to think long-term vs. short-term if we have growing children who are not yet adults at 18.
What Happens When You “Win” Against a Narcissist?
Let me speak from my experience and from other moms I’ve worked with. Your story might be different, and that’s okay. Just tuck this in the back of your mind as something to watch out for.
When I “won” a round in family court, it did not mean:
- The narcissist would go away quietly
- The abuse would stop
- His lawyer wouldn’t stop filing motions or appeals.
- Our child would suddenly be safe from the narcissist
- That I wouldn’t be attacked in some other way.
Instead, the abuse often shifted to a different “stage.”
NOTE: Abusers (Like Narcissists) Need a Stage
If my ex couldn’t abuse me face-to-face because we had supervised child-transfers at the Y, he would abuse me through:
- Text messages
- Phone calls
- Then later, through the co-parenting app
When I stopped picking up the phone and stopped responding to texts, it all moved into our co-parenting app messages as long messages full of accusations, mother-blaming, and projection.
Winning in family court didn’t make him go away. Instead, it often triggered a new wave of retaliation and verbal abuse.
5 Reasons Not to “Win” Against the Narcissist
Here are the 5 main reasons (and 1 bonus reason) I caution moms about focusing on “winning” against the narcissist. These don’t happen in every case, but they’re important to keep in mind when you’re dealing with someone hostile, boundary-less, angry, disordered, and out of control.
1. Safety Risks
If you “win” against a narcissist, there may be real safety concerns—for you, your child, or others.
In my situation, my ex was obsessed with guns. He would even talk about his guns at pediatrician appointments. It was intimidating and scary.
I often use this image when describing the idea of exposing or winning against a narcissist.
“We don’t want to back a porcupine into a corner while we’re naked.”
A frightened, cornered narcissist may “shoot barbs” to protect their false self. Stripping them of ego defenses, attacking them aggressively, or publicly humiliating them can make a desperate person more dangerous. And we are the vulnerable people with young, vulnerable children that we are trying to protect.
That’s why I encourage moms to work with a DV counselor or crisis support services and always keep safety at the top of the list. Safety has to be a must.
Here is a website that can help you find DV support: www.domesticshelters.org
2. Retaliation
Narcissists can retaliate in countless ways when they feel like they’ve “lost”, for example:
- Stopping all child support payments
- Not following the court order
- Filing false CPS (child protective services) reports
- Flooding us with hostile, accusatory messages
- Giving the silent treatment
- Dragging us into additional legal battles (that are nonsense)
- Turning the kids against us with lies
In my case, after one “win” in court, my ex simply stopped paying child support for three months because he didn’t like the outcome (the new court order).
He was in contempt of court, but was I eager to file a contempt motion against him and go right back into court—after all the money and emotional toll that had already cost me? No! So often, many of us moms who get favorable court orders don’t even see the favor! We always need to keep in mind that narcissists don’t like to follow ANY rules!
For me, family court was intimidating and traumatizing. Being in a fight with a narcissist didn’t feel like winning—it felt like living inside an abusive relationship with a different backdrop on a different stage.
3. Becoming the Permanent Target of Blame
I use the term “TOB” — Target of Blame to explain what we moms mistakenly become to our exes.
Narcissists often assign someone the role of enemy (to shift blame) and then cast everything in that light. If you’re determined to “beat” a narcissist in court, you may end up cemented in that enemy role. When we are the TOB, there is very little chance for negotiations with a narcissist. Why would a narcissist negotiate with an enemy they hate?
If we inadvertently become the narcissist’s target of blame, then we often end up dealing with:
- Increased hostility
- Pathological jealousy
- His crazy paranoia
- Heightened competition (Competitive parenting)
- Post-separation abuse
- False accusations
- Character assassinations
- And more…
At one point, I didn’t know what was happening. I just knew that my ex was more abusive to me now (after I left him) than he was when we were together. I learned this was indeed post-separation abuse, which ended up as legal abuse, too.
Back then, my choices felt like:
- Fight and win in family court, or
- Run and leave my child behind
All those years, I didn’t realize there was a middle path and another way. Later, through a lot of prayer, mentoring, coaching, DV support, and legal guidance, I developed what I now call the 3rd Middle Way—a path towards peace using skillful means and not feeding the enemy narrative in his mind or positioning myself as the narcissist’s enemy.
4. No Goodwill and No Peace
There is usually no peace when you win against a narcissist—because they have no peace.
You may have noticed through your dealings with your ex that narcissists have a bottomless pit of need for energy, attention, and perceived control. To them, “fairness” often means taking more than the other person so they can feel better and powerful.
In my case:
- My ex never negotiated in a single 4-way meeting with our attorneys.
- We went all the way through a 5-day trial in our custody battle
- He wasn’t willing to budge on anything, nor negotiate
Today, looking back, I now understand why. It was because in his mind, I was “the enemy.” So, just using common sense here: Why would he negotiate with someone he hated?
If we are absolutely set on “winning” against a narcissist, we may sadly find:
- No goodwill
- No cooperation
- No workable co-parenting relationship
- No peace for our children
NOTE: Even if the court order looks like a win for us, life on the ground (in a co-parenting relationship) may feel like living in a constant war. It might end up in small, draining, daily battles.
5. Fallout for the Child
When we focus on “winning” against a narcissist, we can unintentionally create more fallout for our child/children.
If the narcissist has unsupervised parenting time and they are enraged with us, our child may be the one who absorbs:
- The tension
- The anger
- The passive-aggressive behavior
- The emotional abuse
I saw this in my own case. Whenever I bravely and boldly called out the narcissist on bad parenting or pushed hard in court, my child got backlash later during his parenting time. I would feel terrible hearing how she was treated and how miserable her dad was to her. I vowed to stop all my actions that contributed to this. I didn’t want her to suffer more because he was ticked off at me. Going forward, using wisdom, I had to think things through all the way. I did this with the help of my mentors, coaches, DV counselor, and lawyer, so I wouldn’t create more damage in my child’s life while I was trying to “win” for her. Support was key because I had someone to bring my feelings of powerlessness and outrage to, rather than react emotionally and attack him.
6. BONUS: The Never-Ending Court Battle with a Charged Narcissist
The bottom line is that even if we “win” in family court, a narcissist can:
- Appeal
- File new motions
- Reopen issues
- Keep the legal war going indefinitely
I’ve seen moms post, “I won!” and then a week later, “He’s appealing.” I have seen worse than this, too. I won’t give you the hundreds of real-life scenarios because I don’t want to scare you and put you into more fear, anxiety, and worry. But if the narcissist loses the appeal, that can trigger even more dangerous retaliation out of their feelings of frustration and how the system works. The fight never truly ends as long as both sides stay in a win-lose mindset.
A Different Focus: Peace, Safety, and “The Middle Way”
After many years, my lawyer shared something that changed everything: the judge had threatened to put our child in foster care—if he couldn’t determine who the healthier parent was.
I wasn’t even in court that day to hear it—another reason I now tell moms to be present for everything, even the administrative steps, so you know exactly what’s happening in your case.
In my childhood, I had been in foster care (briefly) and found it deeply traumatic. I did not want that for my daughter. That reality check forced me to reevaluate my entire approach.
If I could go back and do it over, I would not fight the way I did. I would use skillful means from the very beginning and have:
- Less focus on winning
- More focus on peace and safety
- Less court war
- A more strategic coexistence
Because here’s what I discovered:
If we have peace, and our child is happy, healthy, safe, and protected… that’s the real win.
What My Life Looks Like Now
Today, I co-parent with my narcissistic ex.
We have peace.
Our child:
- Has the same therapist restored (now going on 10 years)
- Is a straight-A student (winning awards)
- Has returned back to her original school system (after he moved her unilaterally)
- Has her cell phone, freedom, and stability back
All the hostage-like dynamics that she endured when he “won,” and all the awful things that happened when he “won,” are over because I stopped playing a win-lose game. I had to adopt this mindset and shift first.
For us, now, it’s about:
- Win-win solutions
- Skillful communication
- Me being flexible, adaptable, and accommodating -(I focus on my side of the street).
- Being strategic, instead of reactive (and combative with the narcissist)
Life is so much better for my child and me. We are not paying legal fees anymore. I’m not pushing every small issue. I choose not to battle, and I use skillful means. If this is resonating with you, learn about my non-resistance approach to solving problems with minimal effort (just using understanding)!
How You Can Start Shifting Your Approach with a Narcissist
You can:
- Learn about narcissists and understand narcissistic patterns (not obsessively)
- Use that knowledge strategically (create strategies and self-rules)
- Shift your mindset from win-lose to peace-focused
- Get support from DV counselors, therapists, and expert coaches (to save on legal fees)
- Begin practicing skillful means in small steps
I share these tools and stories in my Blogs, Individual Guides, Books on Amazon, YouTube videos, and my FREE Substack Newsletter. You can find me at GraceWroldson.com and listen on Spotify.
I believe we can learn, heal, and outgrow the narcissist. I know that with a learning mindset, we can come out of this stronger and smarter than before, and our child can have a happier, healthier childhood—with at least one healthy parent.
