40 Ways a Narcissistic Dad Abuses Their Kid
Are you noticing fear in your child?
Are you trying to co-parent with a narcissist?
Does the narcissist even make for a good dad?
Welcome to my work for mothers and their children. I help to encourage, educate, and empower the safe, healthy, loving, protective mom who puts their child’s needs over an ego-battle with a narcissistic ex. *Please read my disclaimer below.
This blog is to raise your awareness of what your child may be enduring on un-supervised parenting-time with a narcissistic dad. I write this for all the young, vulnerable children who cannot articulate to their mom yet what is happening to them when they spend time with their disordered dad. *Trigger warning for all empaths, but I have left the worst stuff off this list.
Do children get abused by their narcissistic dad? I think, I know (that typically and sadly), yes!
The bottom line is we, moms, need to work and strategize to prevent child abuse from a known abuser (or toxic personality-disordered person). We must set aside our wishes, wants, hopes, and dreams that the narcissist will somehow turn into a safe, caring, loving father. If we are dealing with a personality-disordered narcissist (which is a diagnosable condition that fundamentally lacks empathy), and if we ourselves have suffered disrespect (and abuse) by the narcissist in the past… Then, we can logically deduce that our children will most likely have a very tough time with their dad (and possibly be subjected to abuse). Have you ever gotten your child back from their time with their dad, and they seem like an emotional mess? You are not alone.
We, moms, have to have this solid awareness and use these 3 key things:
*Common sense
*Logic
*Reasoning
To help our children stay safe, we must avoid false hopes and any wishful, fantasy thinking that a narcissist (who abused us) will somehow not be abusive to our child/children. It can be very upsetting to even think about this, but facing our fears and grief can stop the cycle. What I have learned is that if the father is a narcissist, I do not want to push parenting time on them if they are ghosting the child. I learned to let this go and spare our child more suffering. Have you let this go, too?
For over a decade, in my line of work helping moms in custody battles with a narcissist, I have seen many moms want to make the narcissist take his parenting time or do at least some parenting for the sake of the child. However, I have seen this push backfire for the children (and then on the mom who gets a traumatized child back from their visit or time with their dad). I have also seen moms want narcissistic fathers involved only to have the nasty narcissists interfere with schooling and medical care. What we learned, in our story, is that the less her dad is involved = the better! Sometimes, her dad would show up, and I would be glad for her until the point that he ruined things. We learned just how a narcissist can ruin a good time for a child (and even an entire childhood) in 100s of various ways.
This was a hard topic for me to write about, even though I wrote several books for moms dealing with this issue which have all my tips, tools, and strategies. Hearing and facing the narcissistic abuse that my child endured was painful. But I am determined to face my fears and learn from my mistakes. My books include;
Book 1: Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: 7 Self-Rules to Stay Sane
Book 2: How To Fight a Narcissist In Family Court and Win
Book 3: Co-parenting with a Sociopath: Survival and Sanity Guide
Book 4: How To Survive a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: When the Family Courts Force You to Co-Parent
Book 5: Tame the Narcissist!: 10 Keys for Better Co-parenting to Create Peace and Protection Using Strategy & Skillful-Means
Book 6: Wisdom for Ending the Co-Parenting War & a Custody Battle with a Narcissist: So You Can Heal and Be Able to Help Your Child
Children Hide Narcissistic Abuse From Their Moms
What prompted me to write this was a conversation with my teenager and her therapist in which she talked about her fear of her father openly. She was finally able to name and identify the types of covert abuse she was subjected to on her time with him. I was never there to see it but I had a feeling her time with her dad was never pleasant. It was eye-opening for me as she disclosed the cold and callous behavior and bad parenting by her father. I cringed inside but tried to hold my composure so she could vent. Simultaneously, I was proud of her bravery for speaking up to us. As a teen, she could now find the words and say what it was she experienced with her dad. When she was younger, she couldn’t even explain what awful terribleness she was forced to cope with when she was with her narcissistic father for the weekend. All of what she survived left invisible scars in the form of traumas, wounds, and bad memories. I wish I could have protected her from all the abuses listed below, but the family court failed us a few times. And as I learned the hard way, the U.S. Family Court is not in the business of child abuse prevention! (Read my “Family Court Failures” chapter in my previous books.)
The bottom line and fact that we moms must face is that: Children are often afraid of their narcissistic dad because they are afraid to be abused!
NOTE: The children are not crazy, but their dad is.
As my child openly talked about her life during her dad’s time, I began naming and listing the ways in which he asserted power and control over her and subtly abused her (negating her rights and such). This list became long with clarity and gets longer each day that a mom tells me her story. While this was painful for me to hear as a loving, caring empath, it needed a voice. It is my hope that by telling our story, we can help other moms wake up to the blessing that they have when a toxic narcissistic father is absent or ghosts the child/children. (I get that a father ghosting a child is painful, too. Please read about the “Grief We Face” article here.)
There is a lot that goes into narcissistic abuse that is traumatizing for kids. Here are 40+ ways my child was able to identify after the fact. What I teach moms now (besides the use of Skillful-Means) is to label the tactic of the narcissist. I encourage moms to get clear about any Co-Parenting Abuse (or Post-Separation Abuse) they are enduring, so that the narc-tactic loses its power to hurt and destabilize them emotionally. Being confused can weaken us. But, being clear that we are being assaulted covertly, subtly sabotaged, or disrespected can help us step into our healing, rights, and power.
NOTE: Anger in us (or our children) can be a sign that boundaries are being crossed by the narcissist.
40+ Ways a Narcissist Can and Often Does Abuse a Child
We have learned that there are many ways children can be abused by a narcissist. Here is some of what my child disclosed;
Emotional abuse (being criticized for mistakes)
Gaslighting (constant invalidation of reality)
Control (coercive control and being dictated to)
Pressuring and bullying (to pick a side/parent or do something)
Psychological abuse (being blamed or told lies)
Financial abuse (going without or being bribed/bought)
Mental abuse (like being turned against their loving mom)
Punished unfairly (beyond grounding to an extreme, like no food and being locked in a room)
Threatened (subtly or overtly)
Ignored and neglected
Not prioritized
Made to do adult things with/for their dad (activities, chores, errands, work, etc)
Invasions of privacy (or no privacy at all)
Strictly monitored and questioned (tracked and/or interrogated about their mom)
Forced to feel certain ways (like happy or guilty)
Endure sarcastic cutting remarks (the narcissist’s unhappiness spill-over onto the child)
Subjected to name-calling (like being called stupid, grumpy, etc.)
Made to be a servant and slave (be obedient and work, clean, and do for them)
No choices/ No say (Forced to accept whatever dad decides)
Held to perfectionist, idealistic, and impossibly high standards and expectations
Hit, patted, or tapped/touched (or rubbed/hugged inappropriately and uncomfortably)
Dismissed and not given a voice (Dad always assumes they know what the kid wants or likes or needs)
Projected upon (made to be like their dad or better than their dad in things like sports)
Not allowed to cry or have their own thoughts, emotions, or feelings
Told how to feel and what to think (passive-aggressively)
Taken hostage as punishment to others the narcissist is mad at (like the mom or his own parents)
Used & exploited (for work and other not-child-appropriate things similar to slave labor)
Isolated (not allowed friends and withheld from society/public/other family)
Being made to see beloved animals neglected and abused (or killed)
Held them back from getting their license (so they can’t leave the narcissist)
Held back from going to college (so the narcissist doesn’t have to pay)
Withheld from extracurricular activities (so the narcissist doesn’t have to pay or spend time on the child)
Withheld from helpful therapy (so the narcissist isn’t exposed to a therapist)
Witness to abuses of the mom (so that the child has an emotionally destabilized mom)
Pressured to be in jobs, and/or pursue careers that serve the narcissist
Loss of money (the narcissist takes the child’s birthday, Christmas, or work money -so the child is not empowered)
Blamed for why their life is bad or not working
Has stolen inheritance or insurance money
Used as a weapon to get back at the mom (their ex)
Used to look good and appear responsible to new potential relationships/women (or to their own family)
Endures having their voice silenced (cut off from speaking, interrupted, or not allowed to talk)
Required to keep secrets from their mom
Forced into a vehicle so the narcissist can have their parenting time
AND other awful non-empathetic, cold, harmful things (You could probably write your own here.)
All of these things were very concerning for me to hear about, but nothing I didn’t report to the proper authorities over time, like her therapist, my lawyer, and Child Protective Services. What we noticed about his abuse and manipulations was that all of these things the narcissist did were in such a way as to walk a grey line where CPS doesn’t think it’s a big deal. What was worse? We learned that many judges think parents have rights and freedoms to “raise their kids as they see fit.” None of this makes sense for our children, us as a co-parent, or society as a whole. But we see that time and time again, these abusive narcissists get away with this, and courts are inept and not able to deal with it properly.
Does your child have a safe, neutral therapist?
For a layer of psychological protection, I installed a healthy, male therapist (using a judge) who was neutral and an extra set of eyes on the abuse. This is where our child could openly expose the narcissist’s behavior and feel validated, seen, and safe. Her therapist came with 35+ years of experience working with children and was also an expert, including a GAL (Guardian Ad Litem). He understood the family court chess game and its failures. He knew that none of her complaints about the narcissist’s parenting rose to the level that a court would care about or stop. We were thankful that he hung in there with us for over a decade, giving space for her truth, so that the truth could set us both free. Our truth: The narcissist made for a terrible father!
What I have seen is that when children need someone who is considerate, gentle, generous, respectful, accommodating, and unselfish, they can’t look to their narcissistic dad. Actually, children often tend to unload emotionally on the safe, loving, caring, empathetic mom. Many moms I have strategized with (including myself) have found this very challenging. (Especially, when we get our crying, traumatized children—who cannot be soothed—and don’t want to go see their dad ever again.) We are put in complex/difficult positions as we are held to a court order and risk losing our children completely if we try to accommodate our children’s wants and withhold the child from the abuser.
Solutions for Us Moms Who Are Required to Co-Parent with a Narcissist
What I found was that I could work to limit the abuse, which was equal to limiting the time she had to spend under his care (or his problematic non-care, shall I say). This is where I realized that her activities not only cut into my parenting-time but his as well—and kept her in the public, making friends, building self-esteem, and getting an experience of adult males who were not like her father. As we reached out, we discovered substitute, healthy, kind, and thoughtful male-role-models in all her activities; from therapy, to music, to sports coaches, to private coaches, and dance teachers. Each of these gave her the contrast of what a man could be like so that she could make decisions about what was nice and not nice behavior from her dad. (I had to be extremely cautious not to disparage or badmouth my ex to our child.)
I really wished I could change her dad (or change who her dad was), but I had to stay grounded in reality. This meant I had to practice several tools to cope, myself, like;
-Acceptance that the narcissist can’t be what she needs nor what I would like for her
-Gratitude for all the other healthy male father-figures in her life
-Grieve fully of who her dad would never be and the losses in her childhood because of it
-Stay in reality and out of false hope – with reminders and support people
What I know after a 12-year family court battle, losing my rights, and then gaining them all back using strategy and skillful-means:
-We, moms, can’t give up on our child just because the narcissist wants us to.
-We, moms, can give our children better lives during our parenting time.
-We, moms, can give our children a safe place to land, feel, share, and heal (or support people to help them cope and endure)
Some Suffering of Narcissistic Abuse Can Make Us Stronger (or Smarter!)
With all that my child suffered, some of it actually made her smarter and stronger. To make things better for her, I learned not to provoke or poke the narcissist. What I learned was that during his parenting time (unbeknownst to me) she would take the brunt of his anger, rage, and general unhappiness with the whole divided co-parenting situation. I didn’t realize that by me fighting her dad tended to come out on her during his unsupervised-parenting time. When I realized this… I changed the way I co-parented. I discovered that my responses and actions were something I could control that could directly benefit her. Here are a few keys I found helpful to limiting the amount of nastiness from her dad…
=I learned the art of skillful-means when communicating with the narcissist
=I learned detachment from a narcissist’s parenting
=I learned non-resistance with a toxic co-parent
=I learned to get strategy partners to reduce my stress
=I learned to get emotional-support-people in place for myself and my child
Minimizing Narcissistic Abuse
While we can’t change the narcissist, there are ways to maybe help minimize abuse. I learned a legal strategy or two from my lawyer that minimized his time and kept several sets of eyes on the narcissist, like “Backing Up Into The Microscope of the Family Court.” Often, we observed the narcissist trying to be a portrayed super-star dad right before a trial (or at a supervised visit or supervised child exchange.) I wanted as much protection for her when I couldn’t prevent the abuse or her being put with my former abuser. My truth was that I felt sad that I got away from him but she couldn’t (according to the family courts giving 50% parenting rights).
Let Go of Your Expectations of The Narcissist
I hope this was helpful and eye-opening. If this helped you let go of your expectations or insistence that the narcissist show up as a dad for a young vulnerable child, I have done my work. If this helped you stop pushing your child on the narcissist for him to do his parenting time, I have done my work. If you now think very cautiously about making a narcissist take his parenting time that he refuses, then my child’s suffering wouldn’t have been for nothing.
KEY: We have to let go of wanting fairness for us moms with an unfair personality-disordered narcissist. We must look instead to finding fairness for our kids.
We Can’t Get Healthy Fathers Out of Unhealthy Men
My background is loving and leaving an alcoholic and breaking free of codependency. The bottom line I teach women is; “We can’t get a healthy relationship from an unhealthy man.”
The same logical principle applies here: “We can’t get a healthy father out of a personality-disordered narcissist.”
Have you accepted this? Or are you insisting the narcissist step up and do his parenting responsibilities?
-In Your Corner
Grace W. Wroldson
(expert, author & coach)
Link to AMAZON:
https://a.co/d/eF55985
Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or licensed professional. I’m not an attorney. This is not legal or therapeutic advice. I am like you, a mom-survivor. I share opinions, personal research, and hope for a better future. My articles, books, and free videos, which I make, are for awareness/educational purposes only—not intended to be a substitute for medical, clinical, legal, or professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please seek the advice of a licensed mental health professional, attorney, or other qualified provider for your custody case. Each custody case and family situation is different and needs a tailored approach (with strategies) that are specific to the issues you face and even the phase you are in when dealing with a narcissistic ex. I encourage you to establish a system of strong support. Getting help is a sign of strength—not weakness. May you learn, heal, & outgrow the narcissist!
